


Frozen Vessel

by tardistype221b (TardisType221b)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Frozen (2013) Fusion, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Frozen (2013), John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Knowledge of Frozen not required, M/M, Minor Character Death, Not set in Arendelle, Self-Esteem Issues, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-02-09 18:35:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1993479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisType221b/pseuds/tardistype221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frozen AU: Dean has had ice powers his entire life, but when he accidentally hurts Sammy while trying to save his life, everything changes. (Knowledge of Frozen not required to read)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

** -April 1988 **

It's been a long three days. Money was running a bit tight and Sam was bored of TV. Dean could see that. He was nearly climbing up the walls too. Dean sighed as he stirred the food in the pot, the Spaghetti-O's  would be done soon. Dean let the food cook by itself for a bit and poured Sam a glass of milk. Sam came over to the table.

"Dean?" He asked.

"Yeah Sammy?" He replied.

"When's Dad coming back?" Sam asked. Dean went to grab a pot from the stove.

"Tomorrow."

"When?" Dean pours the Spaghetti-O 's into the  pot as he answers.

"I dunno, he usually comes in late though. Now eat your dinner."

"I'm sick of scabetti-ohs ." Sam complains.

"Well you're the one who wanted them!" Dean said exasperated.

"I want Lucky Charms!"

"There is no lucky charms."

"Yes there is I saw the box."

"Well there's only enough left for one bowl and I haven't had any yet." Dean sighs. "Tell you what, if I do the magic will you eat your Spaghetti-O's?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, yeah!" Sam replies squirming excitedly in his seat.

"Okay, well eat them first."

"Aw no fair." Sam replies.

"Go on." Dean said and he watches as Sam forces down the Spaghetti-O's.

"I'm done, Dean! Come on, do the magic! Do the magic!" Dean smiles fondly at Sam.

"Alright." He stands up and plants his feet so he doesn't slip and stomps making an ice rink out of their hotel room. Sam's eyes lit up in excitement.

"Whoa..." Sam said  in awe. Dean slides over to Sam and picks him up setting him down on the ice carefully so he doesn't slip. Then he makes it snow. Sam giggles.

"It's snowing!" He exclaims happily. Dean smiles, it’s the middle of spring and it's snowing.

"Yeah it is."

~*~

** -April 2006 **

"So what the hell is a shtriga?" Sam asked. Dean tensed a bit.

"It's...kinda  like a witch I think. I don't know much about 'em." Dean replied.

"Well I've never heard of it. And it's not in Dad's journal."

"Dad hunted one in Fort Douglas, Wisconsin, about 16, 17 years ago. You were there. You don't remember?" Dean asked.   


"No." Sam replied.   


"Oh well, I guess he caught wind of the things in Fitchburg now and kicked us the coordinates."

"So wait, this..."

"Shtriga."

"Right. You think it's the same one Dad hunted before?" Sam asked.   


"Yeah, maybe."

"But if Dad went after it why is it still breathing air?"

"Cause it got away."

"Got away?"

"Yeah Sammy it happens." Dean said frustrated. Sam scoffed.

"Not very often."

"Well I don't know what to tell ya , maybe Dad didn't have his wheaties that morning."

"What else do you remember?"

"Nothin'. I was a kid all right?" Dean said defensively. But he remembered everything. Dad was sending him back here to clean up his mess, he know he messed Sam up here but did he really have to be reminded of it again? He beat himself up about it enough as it was, he looked down at the gloves on his hands. Sam didn't know, but the gloves were always a reminder.

~*~

** -April 1988  - A Few Days Later **

Dean was walking back from the arcade, he didn't feel restless anymore, he just needed some air. He entered the room and everything seemed quiet. He was tired and was going to  go to bed. He opened the door to his and  Sammy's room when he saw it, the shtriga, leaning over Sam, feeding off of him. He wasn't close enough to grab his gun, but he needed to get it away from Sammy! He acted on instinct and shot a wave of ice at the shtriga. It worked and the shtriga staggered away breaking the window while trying to escape. John burst in a little too late and took in the scene in front of him, the ice had hit Sam and he was barely breathing. 

"Get in the car Dean!" John exclaimed. Dean stared at him in shock, Sammy was hurt! "Now!" Dean scurried off and did what he was told. A few minutes later he saw John come out of their motel room with Sammy wrapped up in the blanket. He placed him in the backseat, and buckled him in.

"Dean keep an eye on your brother." John said sternly. "And don't- " John hesitated. "Don't touch him." Dean nodded eyes wide with sadness. He had hurt Sammy and now he couldn't even touch him. He stared at his hands. What had he done?

~*~

** -A Few Hours Later **

John Winchester had prepared for this day years ago. He had a contact who would be able to help him heal Sam. Her name was Missouri and he had driven the many hours from Fitchburg to Lawrence nonstop so that Sam could live. He needed his youngest son to live. They were almost there.

"Dean, is your brother alright?" He asked. They were so close, soon Sam would be okay again.

"He doesn't look too good sir." Dean replied. After a long pause he worked up the courage to ask John a question. "Where are we going?" 

"Home." John replied. Dean's eyes widened. They were going back to Lawrence? Why?

"Why?" He asked.

"To fix your brother Dean, now stop asking questions." John said sternly. Dean shrunk back into his seat, eyes on Sammy and was quiet for the rest of the ride.

They soon arrived at Missouri Mosely's house. John had called her ahead of time so she  was able  to prepare the ingredients she would need for the spell she would perform to save Sam. John got out of the car carrying Sam inside. He was still out cold, bundled in the blanket John had stolen from the motel. Missouri ushered him in, Dean trailing behind them. John laid him down on the couch and Dean watched, both fascinated, and terrified for Sammy as Missouri starting working her spell.

"Now John, he's lucky Dean hit his head and not his heart." Missouri said. "The heart is tricky to heal of this kind of magic, the head however, can be persuaded."

"Will you be able to fix him?" Dean interrupted. Missouri smiled at him.

"Yes, Dean don't worry, your brother will be perfectly alright but you must be more careful. This power is not just for fun, it is powerful and dangerous. Fear is your enemy, you must learn to control your power or more things like this will happen." Dean's eyes widened and he nodded frantically.

"Yes I promise, I don't wanna hurt Sammy again." He felt tears starting to well up in his eyes, his body trying to let out the whirlwind of emotions he had been feeling but he couldn't do that. He would let out ice if he did, and that's the last thing Dean wanted.

"Good Dean, I'm sure you will be fine, and that your father will help you." She looked at John pointedly and he nodded.

"Yes of course Dean. We'll make sure your power is fully under control." John said. Missouri touched Sam's forehead and it was warmer, he was at normal body temperature now for the most part, and he was sleeping rather than unconscious.

"He's better now but there is something I must do before you can leave here."

"What is it?" John asked.

"I recommend that I remove all memories of magic from Sam's mind." Dean gasped.

"No you can't!" Dean exclaimed.

"I have to Dean." Missouri said. "Because this way he will not pressure you into using your power when you shouldn't."

"But I won't!" Dean begged. "Please I promise!" Missouri smiled sadly.

"Don't worry, I'll leave the fun." Dean allowed himself to be partially placated by that. John agreed so Missouri went through Sam's mind and took his memories, while Dean let the  fact that Sam would never know about his magic ever again, sink in.

~*~

** -A Few Hours Later **

After Missouri finished up with Sam, John took them to a hotel nearby so Sam could recover. The room was nicer than the ones they usually got. Dean watched from a distance as John laid Sam gently out on one of the queen beds in the room, unwrapping him from the ratty motel blanket and tucking him into bed. Dean didn't know what to do. He knew it wasn't okay  for him to touch Sam anymore so he hung back by the door to the hotel room, fidgeting, nervous, and unsure.

Once John had gotten Sam situated he walked over to Dean who immediately stood up straight, because he knew now more than ever that he couldn't upset his father. Not when it was about Sammy.

"Sir?" Dean asked, after John stared at him for a bit. He looked worn down and tired.

"Let's go outside Dean we need to talk."

"But sir-" Dean protested. They couldn't leave Sammy alone!

"Sam, will be fine, Missouri said he wouldn't wake up until the morning, windows and doors are salted, and we'll watch the door, nothing will get in." Dean nodded and followed John outside to the bench just outside the door of their hotel room.

"Son, you know now that some things have to change." John said. Dean nodded.

"Yes sir, I don't wanna hurt Sammy again." Dean said.

"Yeah I know Dean. So we're going to be taking some precautions." John replied. Dean nodded again.

"Yes sir, whatever I have to do." He said. He would do anything to keep Sammy safe.

"There's going to be some new ground rules. You're not going to be able to go to school anymore. I will find out about homeschooling and see if that's option." Dean looked at him shocked.

"But sir why school?" Dean asked.

"If you could hurt Sammy you can easily hurt anyone else." Dean looked down remorsefully.

"I'm sorry sir, you know I didn't mean it."

"I know Dean but you can't control your powers. You could hurt someone." Dean's eyes widened.

"No sir, I would never-" Dean started.

"But you already did Dean, and I can't take that risk." John said. Dean lowered his head again.

"I understand sir." He was dangerous now. A monster. He barely heard what John was saying now but caught the rest of the rules, no touching Sam, no playing with him, or sparring with him, he must wear gloves at all times(once John bought them), to help him contain accidental outbursts, and most importantly, no letting Sammy know that he has magic.

Dean felt as if everything that had ever made him happy had just been taken away in one fell swoop. But that was okay, he hurt Sammy,  so  he didn't deserve it anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**- September 1988 - A Few Months Later **

It was a Thursday and Dean was in  their crappy rental apartment  pouring over his math homework from the mail-in home school service. He just didn't understand these problems and he was growing frustrated. He could feel the pencil in his hand starting to freeze and he took deep breaths. 

Conceal it.

Don't feel it.

Don't let it show.

He relaxed and the intense feeling faded eventually. Then Sammy burst in. Their  crappy rental apartment was only a block away from the school so John had trusted Sammy to walk to and from school each day, even though he was only six, having had a birthday a few months ago. He'd rather do that then let Dean out of the room. Dean didn't like it but it wasn't his place to object. 

"Hey Dean." Sammy said putting his backpack on the couch.

"Hey Sammy." Dean replied. "How was school?" He asked. This was almost the only bit of interaction he got with Sammy anymore so he learned to treasure it.

"It was okay. Ms. Reed is really nice."

"Oh well that's good." Dean replied. "Kids  ain't  giving you any trouble?"

"Nope. Hey Dean I don't have any homework, can we go to the park?" Sammy asked looking at him with such big pleading eyes.

"Um...I don't think so Sammy. Dad's not gonna be home for another couple of days and we're not allowed to leave."

"Oh...Can we play here?" He asked, looking a bit saddened. Dean hated to deny him something so simple.

"I'm a little busy here." Dean said trying to cover up just how badly he wanted to forget about the work and just play with Sammy.

"You're always busy!" Sam exclaimed. Dean's stomach immediately bunched up into knots. He knew this was coming. It was inevitable. Sam wouldn't just put up with Dean avoiding him forever.

"I'm sorry Sammy." Dean said, hoping that would placate him.

"You never wanna play with me anymore Dean...did I do something wrong? Why do you hate me?" Dean's eyes widened in shock and nearly teared up. He didn't hate Sammy, not at all and he didn't realize that Sammy would think that. He thought that Sam would be angry at Dean, not thinking that  _he _ did something wrong.

"Sammy no." Dean said fighting the urge to reach out and comfort Sammy, to bring him into a hug. "I would never hate you."

"Then why don't we play anymore Dean! You never go outside so you can't really be busy. Why are you lying?"

"I'm not lying!" Dean exclaimed. He hated to lie to Sammy but it was for his own good. He started packing up his workbooks. He needed to get away. He could feel his ice wanting to escape but he couldn't let it go. Not here, not with Sammy. Too dangerous. He was dangerous.

"Then let's go play Dean!" Sammy exclaimed. The books Dean was holding were already starting to be encrusted with ice. He wasn't wearing the gloves because he couldn't hold the pencil properly with them on. He had to get away! Dean took his books and hurried into Dad's bedroom, closing the door and locking it. He slumped down to the floor in relief. He knew Dad would be angry. He looked around and saw that ice was starting to spread around the room. It was better the room than Sammy. He could take the lecture, and the beating. He could hear Sammy banging on the door.

"Don't run away Dean! Please!" Sammy exclaimed. He could hear Sammy sniffling, and could easily picture Sammy crying. Big wet tears, pleading eyes, snot and all. Dean's heart broke a little more at the sound, though he would never dare say that. He could feel the room getting colder and more ice coming out. Why couldn't he just stop feeling? His little brother needed him and he couldn't be there. But he knew that he had to give the final blow. Otherwise Sammy would just keep hounding him and keep putting himself even more in danger.

"Go away Sammy!" He exclaimed. He could hear Sammy's gasp and the sudden stop of his sniffles.

"Okay...bye." Sammy said softly. Dean could hear him walk away and Dean did something he hadn't done in months. He cried.

~*~ ****

** -April 2006 **

Dean knew that Dad had sent him here to clean up his mess and he would see to it but just being reminded of what had happened hurt . How he nearly killed  Sammy due to his powers and how he lost him because of them. As the years had passed Dean learned to control himself more and more. By the time he hit sixteen he was capable of going out in public and acting completely normal  provided that nothing too emotionally distressing occurred. He wore gloves all the time and learned how to keep his powers under control when in a hunting situation. 

It wasn't perfect but it worked and Sam never suspected taking the idea that Dean hated him to heart. He avoided him all the time, burying himself in his studies and while Dean was proud of him, he also felt he was on the outside looking in. He felt like that about everything. They barely spoke, even when they were alone for weeks at a time and Dean remembers the many late nights watching Sam sleep because that was the only time he could be near his brother.

Now things were so different. They talked, hunted together, the camaraderie was so wonderful and it was everything Dean could have ever wanted except there were those times. The times when he stiffened up when Sam slapped him on the back or when he adamantly refused to remove his gloves. These were the times he could see the old Sammy, who believed his big brother hated the sight him. Dean had no idea if Sam still believed it but he didn't have the courage to ask. He probably did though, judging by the less than warm welcome he had received at Stanford. It was worth it, it was all worth it to keep Sammy safe.

~*~

** -August 2001 **

Dean took another swig from the large bottle that's next to him. It was moments like these that he was grateful that alcohol had such a low freezing point. It was the only thing that he could drink when he was like this. Plus it helped numb the feelings, just a bit, enough that he could pretend that it never happened, pretend that the room wasn't completely overtaken in ice and that the acceptance letter that Sam got from Stanford wasn't lying on the floor, ripped in half, soaked with water.

John had left awhile ago, it was too dangerous for him to be here and Dean was glad. Dean knew that it was his fault that Sam left, but it was John's fault that he would never come back. Dean couldn't take it. Despite the fact that he had barely interacted with Sam for over a decade he had watched him, from afar, had seen him grown up, had protected him, provided for him once he was old enough to start making his own cash. He loved him with everything he had, even if he couldn't show it, and now this.

He had been learning. He was capable of being normal and he had been working on mending his relationship with Sam but then he had done this! And he said he had been planning it for years! Everything that he had done was for Sammy, and now what did he have? Nothing. Even his father had gone. He heard their voices echoing in his head.

"Dad this is my chance, to get out of The Life! Get a degree! A job! Be normal for once!" Dean remembered Sam exclaiming while he looked on in horror. "Just please let me go!"

"Sam if you leave right now." He remembered John saying in such a cold tone. "Don't you ever come back." Sam looked at Dean standing there, fidgeting, useless, helpless to do anything.

"Well?" He asked. "Are you gonna say anything?" Dean didn't want to let him go, he couldn't! That was his baby brother going off all on his own, but it's not like he hadn't been on his own since he was young, since Dean was too dangerous to take care of him. But he was selfish.

"Can't you stay Sammy?" Dean asked, stepping closer to him. "Can't we work something out?" Sam huffed in exasperation.

"You know what Dean? I don't know why I am surprised. Good little soldier you are, always following Dad around like a lost puppy. Clearly I don't mean anything to you at all. We've barely talked all these years and the  _one _ thing I ask you to back me up on, you don't. We're not brothers, we haven't been for a long time." Sam picked up his duffle bag from the ground and made his way out the door.

Dean shook his head furiously, shaking himself out of the memory of what had happened only a few hours ago and took another swig of alcohol. There was no one here to hurt but himself. It didn't matter if he got blackout drunk or froze the whole room. He was finally free to let it all go, but at what cost?

~*~

** -October 2005 **

It had been three weeks. Dean had checked everywhere, looked everywhere. Hospitals, jails, even the morgues. Dad was missing. He couldn't find him anywhere, and he was scared. Dad went 'missing' all the time but never this long, and the job he was working on sounded dangerous. To top it off, that phone call that he had gotten had really creeped him out. It was time, he had to go to Sammy.

He needed him. Sammy had so much more experience than him in the field. Sure Dean knew how to fight but Dad mostly left him behind for research and lore, only taking him along if it was absolutely necessary and while in these four years on his own he learned a lot, with Sammy by his side looking for Dad would be so much easier.

Over these past four years he had learned a lot and was able to control himself even better now. He completed many hunts without even a hint of ice, and he had been in dangerous situations many times. But restraining his ice while on a hunt was one thing, but with Sammy, that's a whole other story. It had always been hard for him and now it will be even more  so. Since he had been away from Dad he had started using his power. Dean knew it was wrong, dangerous to everyone, but he couldn't deny that whenever he did do it he felt so free. However, he also had never felt so alone. He wouldn't be alone anymore though. He would have Sammy again...hopefully.

Sam didn't welcome him back with open arms, but he expected that, not after the way he treated him.  Sam was right. They weren't brothers, as much as it hurt for him to admit it. He loved Sam. Sam was his brother, but obviously Sam didn't feel the same way about Dean and who could blame him, after what he had done to him?

But one thing he noticed upon their reunion was that...Sam had changed, physically. He was no longer the gawky eighteen year old who was still growing into his own skin, although he looked perfectly fine like that this was different. He had filled out a bit actually growing into his freakishly tall body. He had actually had good food and not diner crap for the past four years so he looked healthy. Most of all he looked happy, even though Dean was now back in his life. 

But after returning back from their hunt and saving Sammy from the thingthat killed his girlfriend, any thoughts of Sammy being happy flew out the window.

Being with Dean everyday was very strange to Sam, he had nothing against him, not anymore when he had time to think about why Dean did what he did. Of course Dean would want to stay with their father, he had never known any other life. He could count the times on one hand when Dean went outside for a reason that wasn't a hunt before he turned sixteen. He had never gone to school, sure he had been home schooled but that wasn't the same as real school and it wasn't like Dad had really cared about Dean's education anyway just leaving Dean to suffer through the work on his own and Sam was too young to help him. Not that Dean would have wanted his help anyway. No wonder he gave up.

He barely knew his brother but after that job with the woman in white and Dean saving his life they had grown closer then ever before. It was nice, he was getting to know his brother again. It was like what they said in the first Harry Potter book there's something about nearly getting killed together that creates a bond. Obviously he was paraphrasing but that was the basic gist of it.

It was nice having his brother back, now that he could actually appreciate it. Jess's death still hurt so much but not in the way it had five months ago. Sam and Dean didn't have a bond that close since they were kids but things were still a bit awkward. He may not have interacted with Dean all that much but he had known his brother his entire life. Dean didn't look the same way he did years ago...he looked different. Less pale for one, but that was a given considering how much time they spent outside now. He remembered a few weeks ago stargazing on the hood  of the impala with Dean and he just seemed so happy, whenever he didn't realize Sam was staring. Happier than he had been in years, but even so still withdrawn and restrained, and always wearing those damn gloves.

Sam had no idea why Dean wore the gloves all the time. Dean even  _slept _ with them on. At first he thought he just had a thing about dirt but if he thought back to when he was a little kid he could remember John yelling at Dean for taking the gloves off in the middle of summer so that didn't make any sense at all. Besides you can't be too worried about dirt while hunting, dirty motels, digging up graves, it all came with job.

Dean was a mystery to him, just as he's always been. He had admired Dean from afar his whole life, had missed him desperately even though they were usually in the same room, or cramped together in the impala. Dean always seemed so strong, so mature, and confident. 

He remembered when he was a teenager, when Dad finally let Dean outside for more than a few minutes Dean would stagger back into their motel room at 2 am smelling of sex with a cocky smirk on his face. Sam either pretended to be asleep or would just ignore Dean. He couldn't show how much it hurt him that now that Dad was finally letting him out he would spend his time getting laid than with his own brother. He didn't know what he had done to make Dean hate him, but at least he was over it now...mostly. 

~*~

** -April 2006 **

Dean's been hiding something ever since they arrived in Fitchburg and he didn't know what to do. It seemed to really be affecting him. It always did whenever it had anything to do with Dad. Dad had been a complete controlling asshole to Dean, which made absolutely zero sense since he wasn't anywhere near the same way with him.  At least now they had figured out who the shtriga was masquerading as. Maybe after this is all over they could talk it out, if he managed to convince Dean that no, it wasn't a chick-flick moment. But then Dean brought up the idea of using the kid as bait and Sam had to object, that was crazy!

"You wanna use the kid as bait? Are you nuts? No! Forget it. That's out of the question." Sam exclaimed.

"It's not out of the question Sam it's the only way. If this thing disappears it could be years before we get another chance." Dean replied calm as always.

"Michael's a kid. And I'm not going to dangle him in front of that thing like a worm on a hook." Sam retorted.

"Dad did not send me here to walk away." Dean said.

"Send  _you_  here? He didn't send you here -- he sent us here." Sam corrected.

"This isn't about you, Sam. I'm the one who screwed up, all right. It's my fault. There's no telling how many kids have gotten hurt because of me." Dean replied convinced that this was all his fault. Sam didn't understand how he could believe that.

"What are you saying, Dean? How is it your fault?" Sam asked. He didn't understand. Dean didn't answer, looking away resolutely. Sam sighed. "Dean. You've been hiding something from the get-go. Since when does Dad bail on a hunt? Since when does he let something get away? Now talk to me, man. Tell me what's going on." Sam asked.

Dean sighed. How could he possibly tell Sammy what he had done to him? He couldn't. That was one of Dad's rules that he would never  _ever _ break. So he told him the story. The abridged version. The one that made Dean out to be a total coward who couldn't even shoot his gun when faced with a monster. And of course Sammy looked at him with those big puppy dog eyes filled with sympathy for a story that wasn't even true.

"You were just a kid." Sammy said softly.

" Don't-d on't." Dean protested.  "Dad knew this was unfinished business for me. He sent me here to finish it." He had to finish it. Then just maybe, when all of this was behind him, when Michael was safe and he could control himself properly around Sammy, then maybe he could relax. 


	3. Chapter 3

**-May 2007 **

It was all over now. Sam was just  lying there, on that dirty mattress, in this dirty house, dead. His skin pale, body starting to stiffen with rigor mortis. He was dead, and it was all his fault. Dean put his head in his hands but then he looked up and started talking to Sam.

"You know, when we were little— and you couldn't  have been more than five— you just started asking questions. How come we didn't have a mom? Why do we always have to move around? Where'd Dad go when he'd take off for days at a time? I remember I begged you, 'Quit asking, Sammy. Man, you don't want to know.' Then of course when you were a little older, there were the big questions. Why didn't I play with you anymore? Why couldn't I go outside? Why didn't I go to school? Why did I hate you? Those were the questions I couldn't answer, even if I wanted to. But I never hated you Sammy, not ever. It was just...easier for you to think that way. And now-" Dean sobbed a little. "now you'll never know. I just wanted you to be a kid... Just for a little while longer. I always tried to protect you... Keep you safe... Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job... I had one job... And I screwed it up." Dean paused for a bit." I blew it. And for that, I'm sorry." Dean wiped away the tears that were coming down his face, only Sammy could get him like this. He wasn't even surprised that he could hear the tears shattering on the floor, they had frozen. 

"I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. I let Dad down. And now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too." Dean said. " How can I? How am I supposed to live with that?" He was full blown crying now ice starting to spread around his feet. How could this be happening? Sammy was gone, he was his entire world. "What am I supposed to do? Sammy. God. What am I supposed to do?" Dean asked to himself.  He took a sharp breath. "What am I supposed to do?!" He yelled at the ceiling, at God. He had no direction, no plan, no purpose, no those all died with Sammy.

~*~

** -August 2006 **

Baby was destroyed and it was his job to fix it. He couldn't think about anything else. He couldn't bear it. If he did bad things would happen. He had already woken up more than once in the middle of the night frozen tears on his pillow and ice frosting the inside of his gloves. He had taken the extra precaution of wearing the leather gloves on top of his usual spandex ones when he slept. To prevent any unfortunate accidents in his sleep when he couldn't control his dreams, his nightmares of his father dying.

He's lying on a dolly underneath the impala working on her when Sam comes out into the junkyard.

"How's the car coming along?" Sam asks.

"Slow." Dean replies. Baby was little more than a rusted frame but he owed it to her, he owed it to  _him_  to fix her up. 

"You need any help?" Sam asks. Dean snorts.

"You under a hood? Yeah I'll pass." His wrench slips out of his hand and drops heavily onto the floor.

"Shit, these gloves." Dean cursed, forgetting Sam was there for a moment.

"Well maybe you can take them off." Sam replied. Dean wheeled himself out from under the car and stands.

"No way." Dean said.  He couldn't take off the gloves, his emotions were already volatile as it was.

"Need anything else then?" Sam asked.

"Stop it Sam." Dean said.

"Stop what?" Sam asked seemingly confused.

"Stop asking if I need anything, stop asking if I'm okay. I'm okay. Really. I promise." Dean said trying to reassure Sam even though it was utter bullshit. He wasn't okay. Not by a long shot. He needed somewhere, someway to vent in peace, where he wouldn't hurt anyone. But he figured taking off to the woods for a few days wouldn't go down very well with Sam and Bobby.

"All right, Dean, it's just... We've been at Bobby's for over a week now and you haven't brought up Dad once. " Sam said, looking at him so concerned. Dean didn't know what to do with that. It would be so much easier if Sam didn't care if he let Dean go off by himself, if he didn't push him to open up. But that's just how Sam was, a kind-hearted person looking out for the massive fuck up that was Dean. Dean who couldn't even express his emotions properly for fear of hurting someone. So of course because of this he'd have to play it off.

"You know what? You're right. Come here. I'm gonna lay my head gently on your shoulder. Maybe we can cry, hug, and maybe even slow dance." Dean replied. He didn't mention how much good a hug would do but he hadn't been hugged in what felt like years, although it was less than that but hugs were so rare for him that it always felt that way.

"Don't patronize me, Dean, Dad is dead. The Colt is gone, and it seems pretty damn likely that the demon is behind all of this, and you're acting like nothing happened." Of course he was acting like nothing happened! What did Sam want him to do? Yell? Scream? Throw a fit? All that would accomplish is hurting people. Hurting Sammy. But of course Sam didn't know that. He understood why Sam was concerned and he wished he could tell Sam the real reason why he couldn't just have a good cry and be done with it. But he couldn't so he deflected.

"What do you want me to say?" Dean asked.

"Say something, all right? Hell, say anything!" Sam exclaimed. "Aren't you angry? Don't you want revenge? But all you do is sit out here all day long buried underneath this damn car." He did it because  if Dean didn't do that than he would hurt Sammy and he couldn't have that, not ever.

"Revenge, huh?" Dean asked.

"Yeah." Sam said.

"Sounds good. You got any leads on where the demon is? Making heads or tails of any of Dad's research? Because I sure ain't. But you know, if we do finally find it - oh. No, wait, like you said. The Colt's gone. But I'm sure you've figured out another way to kill it. We've got nothing, Sam. Nothing, okay? So you know the only thing I can do? I can work on the car." That was the best thing to do. Work on the car, don't think about Dad, don't think about revenge, don't feel it, just work on the car.

~*~

** -A Few Days Later **

They had Ash on the trail of the yellow-eyed demon, they had gotten rid of the raksasha. They were back at Bobby's and once again there was nothing left to do, to distract him but working on the car. It wasn't helping though because he could hear Sam pacing next to him. He could see Sam's huge shoes from where he was underneath the car pacing back and forth. It was stressing  him  out. Then again like he wasn't stressed out already.

"You were right." Sam said all of a sudden.

"About what?" Dean asked confused, coming out from underneath the car. Surely he can't mean about not sharing his feelings. Sam never backed down from that. Sam's lips trembled as he spoke.

"About me and Dad. I'm sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I'm sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. I mean, for all I know he died thinking that I hate him. So you're right. What I'm doing right now, it's too little. It's too late." He hadn't meant that. He had said that out of anger, out of defensiveness, trying to get Sam to take a step back. He understands why he felt the way he did about Dad even if he didn't like it. But of course he can't say that. "I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I'm not all right. Not at all." Sam said, tears building up in his eyes. Dean hated to see Sammy like this. "But neither are you. That much I know." Sam knew him too well there was only so much that he could hide from him. After a little bit of silence Sam shook his head. "I'll let you get back to work." He walked away. 

Dean waited until Sam was out of earshot then picked up a crowbar and smashed it into one of the nearby car's  windows.  He couldn't take this anymore! He started slamming the crowbar onto the truck of the impala over and over. He couldn't take hiding anymore! Dad was dead why did he have to hide? He's been hiding his whole life! Everything he was doing it wasn't healthy! He couldn't hide away anymore he just couldn't! But that's what Dad would have wanted. It's what was right. For Sammy's sake. But he was grateful that now he had the chance to go to the forest and let out his frustrations alone and in peace, and not be afraid of Dad and his anger, the beatings he got.... but how could he think like that? How could he be grateful that Dad was dead? That was his father. The crowbar clattered to the ground. He sat down on the dented trunk and just stared out into the distance, he had to reign it all in. All this grief and guilt it was too much. But it was everything he deserved. Dad died because of him.

~*~

** -May 2007 **

After all of the times he had let Sam down, all the secrets he's kept, some longer than others. His powers for one. Sam still didn't know, he would never know because now...now he was just a corpse, Sam was long gone. But the worst part is he couldn't even say it, couldn't even say it now, even with Sam still dead. The fear that was inside of him at the mere thought of saying it aloud, especially when Sam was near, consumed him.

There were other secrets. Like what Dad said to him right before he died. He couldn't keep that one for very long and when Sammy found out...well he wasn't happy.

"How could you not have told me this?" Sam exclaimed.

"Because it was Dad, and he begged me not to." Dean replied.

"Who cares?! Take some responsibility for yourself, Dean! You had no right to keep this from me!" Sam yelled. 

"You think I wanted this? Huh? I wish to God he'd never opened his mouth. Then I wouldn't have to walk around with this screaming at me in my head all day." It was just another worry, another secret, more emotions he had to repress. He wasn't invincible. He wasn't a machine no matter how much his Dad appreciated his good little robot that wasn't what he was. He wasn't sure how longer he could hold everything back anymore. Sam  turned  and took  a few steps away, fuming. So it was safe to say, he wasn't happy.

How could Dad put that on his shoulders? How could he say that he might have to kill Sammy. Sammy who he gave up his entire life to protect? He would do everything and anything he could to save him from whatever might choose to hurt him. Even if it was Sam himself...or Dean. He stared at Sam's body, pale and lifeless. He didn't do a good enough job though, and now these were the consequences. Seeing Sam like this, dead by  someone's hand was the worst feeling he had ever experienced in his entire life. He knew that it would be even worse if it was his own. He'd die first. He'd rather die. Dean  knew what he was supposed to do now.

He left the house and climbed into the impala quickly slamming the door roughly. He turned the car on, he revs the engine and tears off, turning the lights on almost as an afterthought. Besides, he knew it didn't matter what happened to him. Dying now was better than the hell he was assured but he was too much of a coward to put the gun to his head but he needed Sammy so bad that if he wasn't going to kill himself then this was the only option. Sammy would probably hate him if he ever found out what he's going to do but it would be worth it, having Sammy alive again. Anything was worth it.

He stopped the car suddenly, brakes screeching, he was at the crossroads. He got out grabbing the little box from the trunk and put in all the things he needed to summon the crossroads demon. But he looked around and no one was there. No! This was his only hope!

"Oh come on already. Show your face you bitch!" Dean exclaimed. She was there, he knew it. Just hiding. Then she appeared. Dean whirls around to face her.

"Easy sugar, you'll wake the neighbors." Her eyes flash red and Dean repress a shudder. It didn't matter that she was evil, that she was scum, a demon  that deserved to die. She could give him what he needed. She could give him Sammy back.

"Dean. It is so,  _so _ good to see you." She said. She inhales sharply looking him up and down taking the image of him in. "I mean it. Look at you. Gone and got your family killed. All alone in the world. It's too sweet. Excuse me, you're gonna have to give me a moment." She approaches him getting close, much  _too_  close for Dean's comfort looking at him with a predatory gleam in her eye. "Sometimes you gotta stop and smell the roses."

"I should sent you right to hell." Dean snapped at her. She stepped back a bit, but she's not intimidated, she knows that he won't. She knows that he's desperate, and she's right.

"Oh you should? But you won't. Wanna know why?" She asked, teasing.

"Oh yeah?" Dean asks, goading her.

"Yeah. Following in Daddy's footsteps. You wanna make a deal. Little Sammy back from the dead, and—let me guess— you're offering up your own soul?" She said sarcastically.

"Oh but not just that." Dean said. "I have something even better to sweeten up the pot." The demon's eyebrows rose.

"Oh really?" She asked. "And what is that?" Dean strips off the gloves that he wears constantly, and puts them in his pockets. Then he shoots ice at the ground as a demonstration.

"I'm offering up my powers. All yours. Imagine how much havoc you can cause with those." Dean said. The demon is looking at him incredulously, that's not usually a good sign. Then she busted out laughing.

"Oh Dean, you really are a riot!" She exclaimed. "I don't want your measly little powers, besides they're worthless to me."

"There are a hundred other demons who'd love to get their hands on my soul and my powers. And they're all yours. All you got to do is bring Sam back. And give me ten years— ten years, and then you come for me." Dean said, hoping beyond hope that this will work. He wants to spend his time that he will have left with Sam not constantly worrying about being in control of himself being able to clap him on the back for a job well done, not having to wear gloves all the time. It would be heaven. Well as close as he would get before going to hell for eternity.

"You must be joking." The demon said.

"That's the same deal you give everybody else." Dean said . 

"First of all, most of my clients don't have magic ice powers. Secondly, you're not everybody else." She leans close and whispered in Dean's ear. "Why would I want to give you anything? Keep your gutter soul. It's too tarnished, anyway." Dean nodded, that's understandable, after all he's done in life his soul probably already has a one-way trip down to hell, and if it did a demon deal would be worthless. He started to negotiate.   


"Nine years."

"No."

"Eight." She laughed.   


"You keep going, I'll keep saying no."

"Okay, five years and I keep my powers. Five years, and my bill comes due. That's my last offer— five years or no deal." Dean said. He needs to stop somewhere, he's too selfish to do this without getting to spend at least a decent amount of time with Sammy. For that he might as well kill himself, at least then he might have some chance of joining Sammy in heaven. The demon leans in as if she's going to kiss him and seal the deal, just for a moment he gets excited. He'll get to see Sammy again!

"No deal." She whispered, rancid breath ghosting over his face. Of course. Time to bluff.

"Fine." He said determinedly.

"Fine." The demon replies and starts to walk away. " Make sure you bury Sam before he starts stinking up the joint." Dean flinched. She was calling his bluff big time. 

"Wait." He couldn't, he needed Sammy. The demon mumbled something under her breath but Dean couldn't hear. "What do I need to do?" He asked.

~*~

** -An Hour Later **

Sam didn't understand what was happening. All of a sudden he remembered things that didn't make any sense. He had the clearest memory of Dean making their hotel room an ice rink back when he was five. Sam didn't understand why he would remember something from when he was that young all of a sudden and was it even a memory? Dean turning the room into an ice rink? Impossible. He winced when he felt a sharp pain in his back. He went to stand  in front of a mirror, examining his back, wincing, with a look of pain. There was a scar from where the knife was stabbed into his spine. In the distance he can hear a door open and Dean entered the room.

"Sammy?" Dean asked frantically. Then he saw him. "Thank god." 

"Hey." Sam said, a little confused. Where had Dean been? What had happened to him? Then he was blindsided as Dean hugged him tightly. He wished he could relish it more, he hadn't had Dean this close in...what felt like forever. Probably since he graduated high school. He wanted to relish Dean's closeness, his strong chest pressed up against him but he couldn't. It hurt too much.

"Owwww. Uh, Dean." Sam complained. Dean let go of him as if he had been burned.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm just... I'm just happy to see you up and around, that's all." Dean said looking at Sam worriedly. Sam nodded looking at Dean confused.  The scar on his back seemed bad, he was in a lot of pain, and Dean looked so scared before, so relieved to see he was alright. To see Dean having so much concern for him was, refreshing. But he didn't understand why he was reacting that way. He  _hugged_  him. That never happened, no matter how many times they had been close to death. Dad would have never allowed it. Then he noticed.

"Hey. You're not wearing your gloves." Sam said surprised. Dean quickly looked down at his hands and scrambled to get his gloves out of his jacket.

"Sorry, sorry Sam." Dean apologized quickly. Sam was confused. He didn't mean to make Dean feel guilty. Another memory came. It was snowing outside and they were playing in the snow. Dean...built a snowman? He just whirled his hand around and the snowman was there, fully formed! Sam shook his head to clear himself from the thoughts. Or were they memories? They didn't make any sense.

~*~

** -The Next Day **

It was over. It was finally over. The Yellow-Eyed Demon was dead, shot with a bullet from the Colt. Dad had been freed from hell and they had all survived it, well except Jake, but Sam felt that that was well deserved, after all, from what he had said, Sam had died by Jake's hand, actually died not just put out of commission for awhile like his brother had said. They approached the Impala, ready to leave this place when Sam knew he had to say something.

"You know, when Jake saw me... it was like he saw a ghost." Dean stopped walking and turned around to look at Sam. Dean scoffed but Sam protested. "I mean, hell, you heard him, Dean. He said he killed me."

"Glad he was wrong." Dean replied quickly.

"I don't think he was, Dean." Sam paused looking Dean in the eye. "What happened? After I was stabbed?" Sam asked.

"I already told you." Dean said, sounding frustrated...and nervous.

"Not everything. " Sam retorted. "I've been feeling strange ever since I woke up. Memories that shouldn't be real, my wound healed already? It's not possible, Dean."

"Sam, we just killed the demon. Can we celebrate for a minute? " Dean asked, pleaded almost.

"Did I die?" Sam asked softly. He already knew what the answer was, but he couldn't believe it, wouldn't believe it until Dean said it was true.

"Oh, come on." Dean tried to play it off but they both knew it wouldn't work.

"Did you sell your soul for me, like Dad did for you?" Sam asked.

"Oh, come on! No!" Dean exclaimed, seemingly offended that Sam would think such a thing, but Sam knew better. He knew his brother was lying.

"Tell me the truth." Sam said, staring Dean down.  "Dean, tell me the truth." Dean sniffled a bit, and that confirmed all of Sam's greatest fears. Dean never broke down like that, even a little, only if it was something deadly serious. He should've known something was off yesterday when Dean was clinging to him as if...as if he had died.

"Sam..." Dean said, then laughed self-deprecatingly. He knew the hole he had dug himself into, and there was no way out. Sam couldn't take this. His brother, who's been there all his life, who he was just starting to bond with again, to get close to again, was going to die...no even worse, go to hell, because of him.

"How long do you get?" Sam asked, voice breaking.

"One year. I got one year." Dean said and tears started to form in Sam's eyes. One year? Only one year to soak up Dean's presence until he was gone...forever, to burn in hell for eternity.

"You shouldn't have done that. How could you do that?" Sam said, horrified. He  _loved _ Dean. He finally had to admit it to himself, he loved him...more than he should and he just couldn't let him die. He couldn't!

"Don't get mad at me. Don't you do that. I had to. I had to look out for you. That's my job." Dean said.

"And what do you think my job is?" Sam asked, outraged. Dean wasn't the one who had to do all the sacrificing all the time.

"What?" Dean asked, confused. How could Dean be confused? It was like he believed that Sam didn't even care about him.

"You've saved my life over and over. I mean, you sacrifice everything for me. Don't you think I'd do the same for you? You're my big brother." _I love you._ "There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. And I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. Guess I gotta save your ass for a change."


	4. Chapter 4

**- One Week Later **

Sam was sitting in the Impala in the dark, reading a book with a flashlight. The header at the top of the page said "Dr. Faustus", and there was information about Crossroads Deals. Sam looked up and saw Dean inside the house across from him, he's only wearing an undershirt. Dean grinned and gave Sam a double-thumbs up.  Sam shook his head, smiling fondly at him. A hot girl came into view from off right, and Dean shut the sheer curtains, but Sam could still see them undressing each other in silhouette. 

Once the curtains were closed Sam's smile changes into a frown, he knew that Dean wasn't his, would probably never be his, and he had the right to sleep with who he wanted, especially after how much he sacrificed, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Especially now after realizing the depth of his feelings for Dean and the fact that at the back of his mind there was always a countdown running, to the day that Dean would be dragged to hell. 

He realized now why he was so irrationally angry when Dean was sleeping around with girls in every town they stayed in when they were teenagers and even now, why even the thought of living without Dean made his stomach feel like it had dropped to his knees, and most importantly why he kept trying. He knew that if anyone else brushed him off like Dean had his entire life Sam would hate them, or at the very least intensely dislike them. And would definitely choose to associate with them as little as possible. But not Dean, whose approval Sam had sought all his life. Not Dean, who made him wonder for  _years_ if he was a bad little brother because Dean hated him, or so he thought. Not Dean, with his beautiful green eyes, and devil may care attitude. Dean he fell in love with, not only for his beautiful body, although that was a plus, now that he actually let himself think about it... _dream_ about it, but for who he really was, how vulnerable he could be, no matter how much he tried to hide it under his brash exterior, and most of all for all the things about Dean that he had yet to understand.

He had been pondering over this for a week already, and subconsciously for much longer, but not only that. This past week he had been having strange dreams about Dean, but not in that way. they were from back when they were kids. He remembered Dean saving him from the shtriga they fought last year, but it wasn't what had  _really_ happened. Dean had shot ice from his hand. That couldn't be real. But then again. Sam was starting to put things together. He remembered that it was after that moment that Dean had started growing distant from him. They had been best buddies when they were little, and then they weren't and Sam had never figured out why, had never even remembered, (were they really memories?) until now.

Then he thought about something else, something far more recent. Last week when Sam had just...come back to life, it was so weird to think of it that way but it was true. Dean had been hugging him like no tomorrow which was nice, before he realized why, but he also wasn't wearing his gloves, for the first time in a long time. But when Sam called him out on it, Dean reacted like he had committed some crime, put his gloves on so fast, and even  _apologized,_ which didn't make any sense at all. But he remembered all those times John had yelled at Dean for not having his gloves on. Perhaps it was a habit? Sam wondered. But it was strange, and Sam knew that he would need to confront Dean about all of this, and soon...before he couldn't anymore. 

~*~

** - A Few Months Later **

It was too late for that now.  Too soon Dean was taken away from him. Then he was taken away again...and again, and  _again_ . It was torture by the Trickster and just when he said that it would stop it didn't! And now Dean was dead, really dead probably burning in hell as he stared at Bobby's body lying dead on the ground. He knew what he had become over the last six months on his hunt for the Trickster but he couldn't take it. Life without Dean in it was so bleak and hopeless. He needed Dean, more than Dean ever knew. But as he stared at Bobby's body on the ground he grew afraid. He was sure th at it was the Trickster! But what if he was wrong?

"Bobby?" He called out. No response. "Bobby! Bobby!" He yelled and Bobby's corpse vanished. 

"You're right. I was just screwing with you. Pretty good, though, Sam. Smart. Let me tell you, whoever said Dean was the dysfunctional one has never seen you with a sharp object in your hands. Holy Full Metal Jacket." The Trickster said with that annoying smirk that was always on his face. But he was here! He could get Dean back!

"Bring him back." Sam demanded .

"Who, Dean? Didn't my girl send you flowers? Dean's dead. He ain't coming back. His soul's downstairs doing the hellfire rumba as we speak." The Trickster said, so casually like Dean's life meant nothing.

"Just take us back to that Tuesday— er , Wednesday—when it all started. Please. We won't come after you, I swear." Sam promised. Anything he would give anything at all to bring Dean back. Now he knew what Dean felt when he went to that crossroads all those months ago. He had been tempted to do that himself but no, he knew Dean would never forgive him and besides he doubted any demon would deal anyway. This was his best shot.

"You swear." The Trickster replied, disbelievingly.

"Yes." Sam replied immediately.

"I don't know. Even if I could—" The Trickster started.

"You can." Sam interjected, he wasn't going to let the Trickster weasel his way out of this.

"True. But that don't mean I should. Sam, there's a lesson here that I've been trying to drill into that freakish Cro-Magnon skull of yours." Sam looked at the Trickster confused.

"Lesson? What lesson?" He asked. Was this seriously all about him getting his just desserts? What could he have possibly done to deserve this torture?

"This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go." No. Never. He could never let Dean go. Even now with the chance of getting Dean back he was just a shell...if he had no hope...Sam imagined eating his gun would feel much better than the pain he would endure for the rest of his life.

"He's my brother." Sam said, pleaded, giving the Trickster the puppy dog look that Dean always caved under, but this time, this time it was real, full of unshed tears.

"Yup. And like it or not, this is what life's gonna be like without him." The Trickster said. He couldn't...he couldn't be this cruel.

" Please. Just—please." Sam pleaded with the Trickster. "I-I love him." He confessed. Maybe if he got that out, maybe if he actually said it out loud something will change.

" I swear, it's like talking to a brick wall. Okay, look. This all stopped being fun months ago. You're Trav is Bickle in a skirt, pal. I'm over it." The Trickster said dismissively.

"Meaning what?" Sam asked. Maybe he had changed his mind?

"Meaning Dean is in love with you too you idiot and if you weren't both so hell bent on sacrificing yourselves for each other maybe you'd see that." Sam looked at him shocked.

"What?" He asked. "How is this- why are you even telling me this?"

"Well I figured if you two idiots were going to die horribly then you might as well know." The Trickster said.

"Does that mean you're going to bring Dean back?" Sam asked looking at him hopefully.

"That's for me to know and you to find out." The Trickster snapped his fingers and everything went black.

Sam bolted up out of bed once the radio went off. He looked around frantically. Where was Dean? Then he saw Dean poke his head out of the bathroom.

"What, you gonna sleep all day?" Dean asked. He grimaces a little. "I know no Asia, this station sucks." Was this real? Was Dean really back or was the Trickster messing with him again? He looked at the clock.

"It's Wednesday!" Sam exclaimed. He did it! The trickster really did it! 

"Yeah, usually comes after Tuesday. Turn that thing off." Dean said. Sam couldn't wait, not one second longer, Dean loved him, or so the Trickster said, and he was  _alive_.  He threw off the covers goes across the room grabs Dean and kissed him, with everything he has. Dean's soft lips on his, his arms wrapped around Dean's back pulling him close. It felt so good to be so close to him. Once it was done, Sam pulled back with a small smile on his face. That kiss was better than he ever could have imagined. Dean had even kissed back...a little.

"I love you Dean and I can't go another minute without telling you because I could lose you again, and I don't care that it's wrong and..." Sam  trailed off. Dean was staring at him like he had three heads. "Dean?" He asked worriedly. What if...? What if the Trickster was wrong? What if Dean really didn't love him? What if Dean was going to hate him now? He started to panic a little but then Dean spoke.

"Why-why did you do that?" He asked.

"Because I love you Dean." Sam replied with all the emotion he could muster trying to show Dean just how much he cared...maybe then he would have pity on him and not hate him for the rest of his life, oh god what had he done? Dean took a step back.

"Christo." Dean said, but nothing happened. Sam looked at Dean confused, why would he do that? He wondered. Then he realized.

"Dean I'm not possessed!" Sam exclaimed.

"Well then you're a shifter!" Dean replied. 

"I'm not!" Sam said backing away a bit to give Dean his space, trying to show Dean that it was really him. "Listen I'll submit to all the tests if you want me to but Dean, I'm really me. I don't know why that's so hard to believe."

"Maybe because you're my brother, Sam!" Dean exclaimed. 

"Dean I've felt this way about you for years! Before your deal, before Jess, before Stanford, before all of that Dean. I just shoved it down, pushed it aside knowing that you would never want me. I mean at that time it was like you didn't even know I existed. But now, after losing you  _so many times_ , after knowing I might lose you again, I couldn't take it, I had to tell you. I know that you might hate me after this-" Sam lowered his head, he really didn't want to see Dean's face after he said this. "-but I won't take it back. I love you Dean, with everything I have. I won't ever stop trying to save you, and I won't ever stop loving you." Dean stared at him, he could feel the weight of his gaze. Sam turned away and went over to his bed, straightening it out and started to pack his things as Dean processed. 

Dean didn't know what to say, didn't know what to think, didn't know what to  _feel_. He loved Sam, like a brother. Rationally he knew that, but he couldn't...feel it. Rationally he knew that he'd do anything for Sam, he had done everything for Sam, even went so far as sacrificing his soul, but he couldn't feel the pain, the horror that was supposed to co me with the thought of him going to hell. Oh it was there, but muted, to the point that it was barely there at all. He couldn't feel it. The only thing he could feel was fear, fear of the letting the pain, the emotion,  _the_ _feelings_ out and ruining everything. Now Sam had confessed this, this bombshell that Dean just didn't know what to do with, couldn't even correctly process it because he knew what would happen if he did. He would feel  _everything_ and that would be disastrous. So he didn't. He went back into the bathroom, finished brushing his teeth, he got dressed, packed his bags, and they both headed to the impala together. 

A few weeks later when Sam got confused at the fact that yes, it was only February, they had the discussion about the trickster. But during that time Dean had pretended that nothing had changed, that Sam had never said anything no matter how many times Sam had brought it up, becoming single-minded on the hunt for Bela and the Colt and after that conversation he went straight back to it, but Sam noticed something was off, he could see Dean visibly repressing his emotions, and yet again, he didn't understand. Dean knew Sam never would understand and the concern that Sam was showing over him frustrated him, couldn't Sam tell that he was a lost cause? Why waste his time? He knew that Sam was probably hoping that he would break eventually but Dean knew that was never going to happen, he would die rather than have that happen. He couldn't hurt Sammy, that was the one thing that kept him sane, the one mantra constantly going through his head. Don't hurt Sammy, can't hurt Sammy. The one thing that made him get up in the morning even though he knew he already hurt Sammy by rejecting him. It was for his own good. He would only hurt him more if he didn't.

Dean was grateful when they finally did get some good intel so that Sam could become focused as well but that turned out to be a bust and here they were. Trapped in the police station, surrounded by demons, the evil demon bitch Ruby telling them to cut out a poor girl's heart and Sam was actually starting to listen to her! He knew that this was a serious matter of a life and death. If he didn't do this Nancy would die, or even worse they all would die if they didn't do the spell, including Sammy, and Dean couldn't have that. They had a chance, the right supplies, weapons and they had him. Dean pulled Sam aside into a hallway away from the rest of the group.

"Please tell me you’re not actually considering this. We’re talking about holding down a girl and cutting out her heart." Dean said.

"And we’re also talking about 30 people out there, Dean. Innocent people who are all gonna die, along with everyone in here." Sam retorted. Dean couldn't believe he was actually considering this. Ruby was really worming her way into Sam's head.

"It doesn't mean that we throw away the rule book and stop acting like humans. I’m not gonna let that demon kill some nice, sweet, innocent girl, who hasn't even been laid. I mean, look, if that’s how you win wars, then I don’t want to win." Dean wouldn't let them do this. It was wrong and everyone except Sam and Nancy seemed to agree.

"Then what? What do we do, Dean?" Sam exclaimed. Dean turned away for a moment pulling himself together and looked back again.

"I got a plan. I’m not saying it's a good one. I’m not even saying that it’ll work. But it sure as hell beats killing a virgin." Dean said. He couldn't believe he was about to do this.

"Okay, so, what’s the plan?" Sam asked.

"We use me." Dean said. Sam looked at him confused.

"Um Dean, you are definitely not a virgin." Sam said. 

"No not for the spell Sam, just- " He pulled off his gloves. "-look I mean this." He held out his hand palms up and allowed himself to feel all the emotions he had been holding back. His fear and terror for what was going on here, his love for Sam, his fear that Sammy would hate him, everything. His power flared and Sam jumped back in surprise.

"What the hell Dean!" He exclaimed.

"It's a long story and I promise that if we survive this I will explain...I'll explain everything, but to keep it short, I have ice powers and I'm gonna use them to save all of our asses."


	5. Chapter 5

** -A Few Hours Later **

The news was devastating but Dean didn't show it. All those people had died, he had fought so hard, revealed his deepest secret and for what? A big, steaming pile of nothing that was what. He felt anger starting to brew but pushed that down, resentment for having to do so and pushed that down too. All he could think about, all he could feel right now was worry. Worry for what Sam would do or say, worry that Sam would leave him,  hate him, call him a monster, all things which he deserved of course, but it would still hurt, even if he couldn't feel it. Sam looked at him after Ruby left and Dean sat down across from him on his motel bed.

"I assume you want to have that talk now, seeing as my plan killed all of those people." Dean said. Dad had always said that death follows his powers, and here was his point being proven, yet again.

"Dean-" Sam started with that open puppy dog eyed expression that always got people to crumble. "-none of that was your fault." Dean scoffed.

"Yeah okay."

"No Dean really-" Sam started but then Dean cut him off.

"Sammy do you want to have this talk or not? Because I would be perfectly fine with not having it."

"No, no. Yeah I want to talk Dean." Sam replied quickly.

"Okay then, what do you want to know?" Dean asked. He wasn't giving away information if he didn't have to, the less Sam knew the better.

"Um, everything." Sam said. Dean sighed. He wasn't going to make it easy was he?

"I don't know where to start Sam." Dean said. "Just ask me stuff, I'll try to answer it." Sam nodded.

"Alright. How long have you had your powers?" Sam asked.

"Since...ever. I think my whole life. One of the first things I remember from when I was little, and I mean  _ really _  little, like before you were born, was Mom telling me not to tell Dad about the snowmen  I  made..."

"Oh wow...D id Dad find out?" Sam asked. Dean nodded.

"Yeah, when Mom died."

"How?"

"Well, the night of fire I remember telling Dad I was sorry for not saving Mom." Sam looked at him with wide eyes.

"Dean, you were four. There was no way you could've-"

"I know that now!" Dean exclaimed. "But four year old me didn't understand, I was thinking, there was a fire, Mom died, I had powers that could stop fire, why didn't I do something?"

"But Dean..." Sam said. "You did do something. You saved my life."

"I know Sammy.  Is there anything else you wanna know?" Sam didn't like the way Dean changed the subject like that but that was something he could bring up at another time.

"So does this all mean that what I'm remembering is real ?" Sam asked.

"Gotta be a little more specific than that Sammy, I'm not a mind-reader." Dean said.

"Well...ever since I died I've been remembering things from when we were kids. Did you really make it snow in a motel room when I was five?" Sam asked incredulously. Dean smiled a bit at the memory.

"Yeah, yeah I did that was fun."

"And the snowmen in the summer?" Sam asked. Dean chuckled a bit.

"Yeah that too, Dad really had my hide for that but the smile on your face..." Dean trailed off  at Sam's frown . "But yeah, from what you're telling me everything you seem to be somehow remembering is real."

"Even you saving me?" Sam asked.

"What do you mean?" Dean replied.

"I mean  when you saved me from the shtriga." Sam said. "Thank you by the way. I know I never thanked you for that." Dean shook his head furiously.

"Thank me? I didn't save you. I hurt you Sammy! You nearly died and it was my fault. But you don't have to worry. I have it all under control. I'll never hurt you again Sammy, I promise." Sam looked a bit stunned at that confession. 

"Dean...why is it I'm only starting to remember this stuff now?" He asked. He had an idea of what had happened over the course of their lives, and it wasn't a pretty picture. Dean fidgeted a bit before answering.

"Missouri." Sam looked at Dean confused.

"Missouri? What does she have to do with this? Or do you mean the state?" He asked.

"No Dad had her take away your memory of my magic.  I guess when you...died it broke the spell. "

"But why?" Sam asked.

"So that I wouldn't hurt you anymore, so that you wouldn't have to be afraid of me...that's the last thing I wanted, you being afraid of me Sammy. I never meant to hurt you."

"Dean...Dean you had no right to do that to me." Sam said.

"It wasn't my choice." Dean replied. "It was Dad's idea...I didn't want it."

"Is Dad the reason why you wear  those gloves all the time?" Sam asked.

"Sort of." 

"Sort of?"

"Well he's the one who started me wearing them, but I wear them now because they help me control myself, that way I don't hurt anyone."

"Dean,  I don't know man. I remember Dad yelling at you about those gloves when we were kids and the way you act with them...you don't even take them off to sleep!"

"Sometimes I let out ice in my sleep." Dean confessed. "I wear them so that I won't-"

"-Hurt me yeah I know." Sam said. "But Dean I can take care of myself!"

"No Sammy! Not against this, I-I could kill you Sammy and I would never be able to live with myself if I did."

"Is that-is that why you stayed away from me so much when we were kids?" He asked. Dean nodded solemnly.

"Yeah. I wasn't nearly as in control of myself as I am now. Plus you didn't have your memories." Sam sighed.

"I feel like we've been robbed of our whole childhood because of Dad and your powers.  I thought you hated me Dean..." Sam said trailing off.

"I'm really sorry Sammy." Dean said. "I tried to tell you that I didn't hate you but I guess actions spoke louder than words." 

"You're right Dean now that I know the whole story I understand why you did what you did and honestly, you gave up so much for me I can't wrap my head around it all. Is this why you didn't attend school until you were like what a junior?" Sam asked. Dean nodded.

"Yeah Sam. I was too dangerous to go to school."

"But once you were able to you dropped out so quickly..." Sam said.

"Well Sammy you know me, not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed." Dean said. Sam looked at him his mind whirring trying to put all the pieces together from old memories of childhood.

"But even before you went to real school I never really saw you with school work...I mean you had to be homeschooled right?" Sam asked.

"Right." Dean said. Then Sam realized and his expression grew cold.

"Dad..." Sam said icily. "He really didn't care did he...as long as he had his perfect little soldier...and I gave you so much shit for dropping out, I'm so sorry Dean."

"No it's alright Sammy you didn't know, besides I was angry at myself too, and hey I listened to you! I got my GED. I mean it's not the same as a real diploma but hey whatever right?" Dean said trying to shift the attention off of the topic  but Sam was not having it.

"No Dean, it's not alright and Dad was so wrong doing this to you..." He trailed off burying his head in his hands. It had made so much sense now that he had all of the facts. He may have had the material to complete but without someone to teach him of course he didn't understand, and besides he was a kid, without anyone pressuring him to complete his schoolwork it would just fall to the wayside, only learning things he absolutely needed to know, like to read at a decent level, basic math, basic latin, etc. But when he was faced with regular school at a high school level he must have became  so overwhelmed with stuff he had never bothered to teach himself.  English, Algebra, Science, History, Dean had learned his history through SchoolHouse Rock.  Sam couldn't even imagine how hard it had been for Dean and he had stuck it out for a year and  he never remembered seeing Dean's report card and he could just imagine why. Then of course all the times that Dean had done some amazing genius things and Dean  had just brushed it off, saying that Sam  was the smart one not him, Sam thought that he had done that because he had a college education and Dean didn't, not because...because of this. Dean leaned forward and clapped a hand on Sam's shoulder. Sam looked up.

"Sammy it's alright really. I'm over it." Dean said with a  half-smile. It was nice to see that someone really did care, even if Sammy had to care because he was his brother.

"Okay Dean..." Sam said. "But I’m sorry and if I had known-"

"But you didn't know Sam, so don't blame yourself okay? Promise me?" Dean said. Sam hesitated and Dean glared a little at him.

"Yeah okay..." Sam said.

"Good. So are we good?" Dean asked pulling back.

"Yeah just...one more thing." Sam said.

"Shoot."

"I love you Dean. And yeah I know you already know that but you keep acting like nothing has happened and I was thinking that maybe it's because I didn't know about your powers and now that I know..." Sam said that quickly and all at once, not giving Dean the chance to cut him off.

"Sam..." Dean started. He could feel things now, emotions mostly pain now and longing for what he thought he would never have, what Sam was so freely offering, had so freely offered so many times but Dean couldn't dare accept. Now though...maybe he could, maybe he had a chance. Then Dean shook his head furiously. No. He could never have a chance to hurt Sammy. Never. "...Sammy I can't."

"Can't or won't?" Sam asked, anger burning in his eyes. He was tired of this! Of Dean's self-hatred always holding him back. He could have accepted no if he was given a reason, but all Dean could say was no, and all that was holding him back was his fear that Sam would get hurt. "Dean, if this is about me possibly getting hurt, it's okay! I can protect myself!"

"Sam...you know what I can do, you saw me back there with those demons...imagine what I can do to you?"

"Dean, it doesn't matter what you can do to me. What matters is that I know you won't do that to me." Sam explained.

"Sammy sometimes I can't control it. Normally in order to act perfectly normal I have to wear the gloves all the time as a safety measure and be closed off...you know, emotionally." Sam nodded.

"Believe me I know Dean, it's been hell trying to get anything out of you these past few weeks and we've needed to talk like this for a long time."

"That's the thing though Sam! It's taking everything I have to be able to feel all of this and not ice up the whole room, there's already ice spreading in my gloves." Dean said looking down at his gloved hands ashamed of himself.

"Well, what do you usually do?" Sam asked.

"You're not gonna like it." Dean said.

"Tell me." Sam demanded.

"Well what I try to do is go to some patch of forest or somewhere far away from other people and let it all out safely but it's rare that I can do that." Sam nodded.

"Okay, but what do you usually do?" He asked.

"Wait, I'm getting there." Dean said. "When I'm really desperate I destroy stuff. I remember one time it got so bad after Dad died that I even banged up Baby." Sam's eyes widened. 

"And I was giving you so much shit for not dealing with your grief...shit Dean I'm so sorry-"

"Sam I don't wanna get into this again, it was not your fault - case closed. Anyway, normally if I manage to catch it before it gets really bad...I drink, a lot. It numbs the emotions I feel therefore I can control my ice better, also  I can't freeze alcohol which is a plus." Dean said smirking but Sam ignored that completely.

"Dean! That is not healthy!" Sam admonished.

"Yeah I know." Dean said, "Better than hurting anybody though."

"There has to be a better way."  Dean stood and grabbed his jacket.

"Yeah, no. I've been trying to find a better way for 25 years that doesn't involve me letting my ice out and this is the best it's gonna get Sam so you gotta accept it. This is why I can't be with you Sam, it's too dangerous." Sam stood up and followed Dean to the door of the motel room stepping in front of him and blocking his way out.

"Dean please don't go." Sam pleaded. He knew exactly where Dean was going, to a bar to get completely wasted with only enough energy to stumble back to the motel to collapse and sleep. He'd seen Dean do it countless times before but this time was different. Sam knew now what was going on inside of Dean, how he had to repress his emotions constantly every moment of everyday, only drinking gave him a small bit of leeway.

"Sammy please, I need to." Dean said. "Come on let me through."

"Can you hold it back? For like 20 minutes?" Sam asked. Dean nodded.

"Yeah I think so. Why?" Dean asked as Sam went to grab the keys to the impala from the table.

"We're going to a forest." Sam said. Dean looked at him confused. "Dean you're forgetting I know now! There's no need to hide from me anymore, which means we can go to a forest, or somewhere far away from people whenever you need." Sam beamed looking at Dean excitedly, happy that he had figured out some kind of solution. Dean shook his head fondly at Sam.

"Okay thanks. Give me the keys, I'll go by myself." Sam frowned looking at Dean confused.

"What do you mean? Why can't I come?"

"Because Sam, it's too dangerous."

"Dean, I'll be fine!"

"How do you know that Sammy? How can you be so sure?"

"Because I trust you Dean." Sam said. Dean looked at Sam incredulously for a moment and then relented  under the force of the puppy dog eyes.

"Fine, but you are going to listen to what I say and stay out of the way!" Dean said. Sam nodded eagerly.

"Yeah Dean, okay, no problem." They headed out to the impala and Dean waited by the driver's side door and Sam tossed him the keys  with a smile on his face.

~*~

- Twenty Minutes Later

Dean barely waited for the car to fully stop before he put it on park and climbed out leaving Sam to turn off the ignition and lock the doors even though there was no one around. He barely noticed the sheen of ice on the steering wheel. Once he finished with the impala,  Sam ran to catch up with Dean, following the trail of ice left behind him on the forest floor. After a few minutes he reached a clearing where Dean was pulling off his gloves. He looked tense to say the least. He turned around when he heard Sam enter the clearing.

"Sam I know I said you could go with me but can you please go back to the car? I don't want to hurt you." Dean said. Sam approached Dean slowly.

"No, you know I can't. What kind of brother would I be if I let you suffer with this all alone now that I know." Sam said.

"Stay back!" Dean exclaimed and Sam stopped moving. "I don't want you to get hurt Sammy so please don't move. Sam nodded.

"Alright Dean. I'll be right here." Dean nodded and started to turn  around, back towards Sam.

"I mean it Sam! Don't move."

"Okay Dean!" Sam exclaimed. He wanted to see the true extent of Dean's power. He didn't really get a chance during the fight.

Then Dean took a deep breath and shot out what seemed like all of his power at a nearby tree. The tree became fully encased in ice from the ground to the very tips of its leaves and the ground surrounding it was frozen over before Dean finished. He fell to the ground on his knees and Sam immediately ran to him, enveloping Dean in his arms.

"Dean! Are you okay?" Sam asked franticly but Dean surprised him by wrapping his arms around Sam as well and sobbing.

"Sammy..." He whimpered. Sam rubbed his back.

"Hey it's okay, everything is gonna be okay. Are you hurt?" Sam asked.

"Sammy I love you. Sammy..." Dean was babbling.

"I love you too Dean." Sam said with a sad smile on his face that Dean thankfully couldn't see. But Dean knew though, he always knew.

"No Sammy...I  _love_   you. I really love you." Dean said. Sam couldn't allow himself to believe what Dean was saying but it was like Dean could read his mind because he then chose that moment to pull away from Sam and look up at him tears brimming in his big green eyes. "I mean it Sammy." He said and Sam pulled him close again, shedding tears of his own.

They stayed like that for an hour in silence,  the sounds of Dean quietly sobbing were the only thing Sam could hear. After that Dean got to his feet with Sam's help and they went back to the impala. Sam drove back to the motel because Dean was in no state to. The silence was turning from comforting to awkward, because now they had to deal with Dean's outburst and the implications behind what he had said. Dean broke the silence after he took a swig from a newly opened beer.

"Listen man, I'm sorry about back there, I just lost control. I won't do it again, I mean...no chick-flick moments right?" Dean asked with a half-hearted smirk on his face. At first Sam thought he was making an attempt to regain some of the masculinity that Dean had thought he lost, but once he really thought about it the realization  made Sam blanch. All those times. All those times that Dean had said that, no chick-flick moments, it was almost a saying of his, but him saying it now, when all of this had just happened made Sam finally understand what it meant. It made Sam finally understand the complete and total breakdown Dean had back there. Because every time that Dean had said no chick-flick moments he was trying to avoid feeling  _things_ ,  things that could possibly lead to what happened. Dean had been protecting him. Every time Sam had bugged Dean to open up Dean had dodged it, weaseled his out, or resisted to the point where Sam had just given up. He didn't realize how much Dean had been holding himself back. How hard it had been for Dean to stop himself from opening up, just how much Dean had given up for him.  His realization must have shone on his face because Dean's face fell.

"I'm sorry Sammy. For hurting you." Dean said. "I understand if you don't want me anymore-" Sam snapped out of his daze and immediately went over to the table to reassure Dean.

"No,  no, Dean I promise you that I still want you. In fact, I will  _ always _  want you, I was just a bit overwhelmed realizing just how much you have given up for me." Sam said.

"Sammy it's okay, I know I must have really hurt you by rejecting you. I was just looking out for you-"

"I know Dean I know. Believe me now that I know about your powers everything is starting to make a lot more sense."

"What? That I'm a monster, a danger to everyone around  me?" Dean replied. Sam's eyes widened in shock.

"What? Dean, no!" Sam exclaimed. "I realized how much you sacrificed to keep me safe, to keep Dad happy...you sacrificed your whole life Dean, in more ways than one, and I can never repay you for that. But I can try, by supporting you in this, by helping you with your powers, and loving you as much as you deserve." Sam said.

"Sammy I'm not worth all that." Dean said. "Besides, I'm your brother, I'm supposed to take care you-"

"You went above and beyond Dean." Sam said. "And I am so grateful, I really am, but let me take care of you now." Sam cupped Dean's face in his hands and bent down a little, gently brushing his lips over Dean's. He pulled back after a second to gauge Dean's reaction, unsure if this was really what Dean wanted. Dean's eyes fluttered open and Sam got lost just a little bit in his beautiful green eyes. Dean smiled lazily at him.

"Why'd you stop?" He asked.

"Your lips are  freezing man." Sam said and Dean laughed, full-on laughed in a way he hadn't heard in years. His laughter was beautifully contagious and soon Sam was laughing right along with him.

"Dude, it kind of comes with the whole, 'I can create ice with the power of my mind', thing." Dean said once they both caught their breath. Sam beamed at him.

"I figured." Sam  replied. Then he kissed Dean again.


	6. Chapter 6

 

** -February 14th 2008 **

"Dude for the last time, where the hell are we going?" Dean asked.

"You'll see." Sam replied. Dean sighed loudly.

"Sam you have been driving for hours and I am so tired of hearing your crappy music. All I want is to know where we're going? Is that too much to ask?" Dean exclaimed.

"Dean it's a surprise."

"Really Sam? We don't have time for surprises, we should be hunting down Bela!"

"With what leads Dean?" Sam asked. "You know if we had leads we would be hunting her down I promise, nothing is more important than helping you get out of your deal. But Dean, I just want to do something nice for you...you know to celebrate?" Dean looked at Sam confused.

"Celebrate?"

"Yeah...Dean you know what day it is?" Sam asked.

"Uh, Thursday." Dean said. Sam glared at him.

"The  _date _ Dean."

"Oh right um,-" Dean checked his phone. "-the fourteenth that’s-oh Sam come on really?" Dean said exasperated . 

"Yeah Dean, why can't we celebrate Valentine's Day?" Sam asked.

"Maybe because we only got together like a week ago?" Dean retorted.

"So what?" Sam said. "I've been in love with you for years and I know you felt the same. Who said we can't celebrate it?" Sam asked.

"I say we can't!" Dean retorted.

"Dean..." Sam gave him the puppy dog eyes as best as he could without taking his eyes off the road for too long. "I just want to spend this week-"

"A  _week_? Really?" Dean said.

"Yes Dean, shut up and let me finish!" Sam exclaimed.

"Okay, okay." Dean said.

"I just want to spend this week with you Dean and forget about everything, about Ruby, about  Bela , the colt, Lilith, just- _everything_. " Dean knew what Sam wasn't saying and he understood.

"Okay, fine." Dean said and Sam's smile was bright and warmed Dean's heart. "But if I don't get some fantastically hot sex out of this I'm going to kick your ass." Sam's laughter made Dean smile.

They arrived at where Sam was taking them in less than an hour, Sam pulling the impala to a halt in front of a cabin with a sign on it reading, 'Office'. Sam cut the engine and Dean followed him inside.  A little old man sat behind the desk reading a newspaper and he looked up and smiled at them when they entered.

"Checking in?" He asked.

"Yes." Sam replied. "I have a reservation under Campbell?" The man checked the book and nodded.

"Yes, that would be cabin six, since you specifically asked for seclusion." The man said handing Sam the key and giving them a look which caused Dean to flush red, knowing what the man was implying and for once, he was right.

"Thank you sir." Sam said after he paid the required amount for the week. They left the cabin to go their cabin  and unpack  when Dean burst into laughter. Sam looked at him strangely.

"Dean what?"

"Now I know why everyone assumed-" He was cut off with another fit of laughter. Soon Sam caught on and they started laughing together.

"It all makes sense now. " Sam said  when he caught his breath.

"Yeah I mean, Jesus, people have been thinking we were together for years." Dean said.

"Yeah well apparently everyone saw it but us." Sam said as they got back into the impala.

"Well I'm glad we finally caught on." Dean said.

"You mean I finally caught on?" Sam said. "If it was up to you we'd still wouldn't be speaking to each other." 

"Touché." Dean replied. They spent the drive up to the cabin in comfortable silence.

"Well he meant it when he said secluded." Sam said. "This is perfect."

"So this is your plan?" Dean asked. "Spend a romantic week  at a secluded cabin. If you wanted a romantic week  we could have gone anywhere why here?" Sam fidgeted a little. "Out with it Sam." Dean said.

"Well, it's not just supposed to be a romantic week, I mean well it is but it's supposed to be more than that."

"What is it supposed to be?" Dean asked.

"It's supposed to be time for you to learn how to control your powers. I mean look around! We're in a secluded forest, no one around for a mile! You're not going to hurt anyone and you can finally use your powers and figure out just how much you can do." Dean just looked at Sam stunned. Sam shifted in his seat. "Is that-Is that okay? I know I surprised you with it, I wanted it to be a surprise but if that's not okay then-"

"Sam stop, it's fine I'm just...a bit overwhelmed, just- oh come here." Dean grabbed Sam back the back of the neck and pulled him down kissing the life out of him. Once they pulled away and Dean caught his breath he looked at Sam who was looking at him with the goofiest smile on his face.

"Does that give you your answer dumbass?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, yeah definitely." Sam replied.

"Good, but you have to promise me that with this whole testing out my powers thing that you'll listen to me. If I tell you to stay back I mean it Sam, I don't want to hurt you." Sam nodded solemnly.

"Yes Dean I promise."

"Okay good, now let's get this show on the road!" Dean exclaimed. They clambered out of the car and brought their stuff inside the cabin. It was nice enough, the king sized bed definitely looked appealing and despite the fact that it was secluded it still had running water and electricity and even cable, though now that he had Sam there was no need to pay for Casa Erotica.

They set their duffle bags on the bed and Sam puttered around putting their toothbrushes in the bathroom, sticking the cases of beer, and the food they had bought in the fridge. Dean sat on the bed, watching him. He didn't mean to, he had fully intended to unpack some clothes but just the sight of Sam puttering around being domestic made Dean long for a life with Sam that he knew they could never have, not with the deal hanging over his head.

Ever since he revealed his powers to Sam it had gotten harder for him to hide his emotions now that he didn't need to be so guarded all the time, most of the times it was a good thing, allowing Sam to see just how much he loved him without having to say it, which was difficult at the best of times. But now, it was a curse.

"Dean are you alright?" Sam said approaching him looking concerned . Dean nodded.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine Sam. Was just thinking that's all." Dean said.

"About what?" Sam asked.

"Nothing important." Dean replied. "You almost done here? I was figuring we could go out into the woods, try a little experimenting, what do you say?" Sam frowned.

"Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do here." He said.

"Sorry Sammy. But don't worry, I'm  gonna  go shoot some ice and let it all out okay?" Sam nodded.

"Okay Dean...Do you  wanna  build a snowman?" He asked. Dean smiled.

"Yeah, just like we used to when we were kids!" Dean exclaimed. "This time I can build one really tall, even as tall as your Sasquatch body." Sam laughed.

"I'd like to see you try." Sam said.

"Oh you are so on!" Dean exclaimed. "Come on let's go."  He stood up from the bed and waited by the door of the cabin for Sam to finish up what he was doing. Once Sam finished they headed out of the cabin and into the woods, finding a small  clearing after about a ten minute hike.

"How does this look?" Sam asked. Dean looked around taking in the view.

"Perfect." Dean said. He looked down at his gloved hands, knowing that he had to take them off in order to get started but he couldn't . He had this feeling that something horrible would happen if he did, the feeling he had had almost everyday for his whole life but more muted not like this, this feeling was different almost as if his ice was going to make an appearance, without his permission.  "Sam I'm not sure I can do this." Sam looked at him questioningly.

"What do you mean Dean?" He asked.

"I haven't-I haven't used my powers for fun for-" He did some mental math trying to figure out how long. "-twenty years now."

"So?" Sam asked. " I know you can use your powers, I saw you do it."

"But that's different Sam!" Dean exclaimed. "The first time I was saving your life, the second time I was saving my sanity, but this..." Dean trailed off. "My powers aren't a toy, or a game, it's the first thing Dad drilled into my head. My powers are dangerous, I could get someone killed someday, most likely you, since you're the one who's always around and you know I can't live with that Sammy."

"What Dad said doesn't matter Dean!" Sam exclaimed. "You don't need to protect me anymore, I can protect myself, and did you ever think that the reason you're so out of control is that you don't vent on a regular basis? Ever think of that Dean?" Sam asked.

"Well yeah..." Dean said properly chastised. "But Dad said it was too dangerous." 

"Well Dad's an idiot-"

"No he isn't Sam! He was  the greatest hunter I ever-"

"Well he was an idiot about this then! About you!"

"What do you mean Sam?" Dean asked icily, not liking where this conversation was going.

"Just look at yourself Dean.  Look at all the shit he put you through and yet you still idolize the man. But yet he made you so scared that you can't even take off your gloves without nearly  having an anxiety attack ." Dean started to protest but Sam cut him off. "Don't lie to me, I know what that was I'm not blind."

"Okay so what?" Dean retorted. "It was for my own good Sam. I was too young to control my powers, fear was the best way to control me, it worked. You were safe, that's all that matters, I can deal with the consequences.

"No. That's not all that matters.  You  matter Dean! Don't you see! Dad made you believe that you didn't matter, he  _hurt_  you Dean in more ways than one and I'm  going to defend you from yourself since you don't seem to want to even try. From that little voice in your mind that sounds a hell of a lot like Dad saying that my life is worth more than yours, that you're dangerous, a monster. Am I getting this right? Because judging by your expression I'm a little too close for comfort." Sam said.

"Can we stop talking about this?" Dean asked. Sam knew that anyone bringing up Dad, after he had died, and even before sometimes ,  had always made Dean very uncomfortable, and Sam was starting to put the pieces together. Dad hadn't just told Dean that Sam was worth more, hadn't just made him repress his powers all his life, no Dad had  _ hurt _  him physically and emotionally, hurt him  so much that even now when he was long dead and gone, Dean was still afraid. He was still afraid of him, and that's when Sam knew he had pushed this too far.

"Yeah, yeah we can. I'm sorry Dean. I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine Sam." Dean cut him off. "We're good?" He asked, smiling weakly at Sam.

"Yeah, we're good." Sam replied. He grabbed Dean's still gloved hands and held them in his own. "So are you going to take those gloves off?" He asked. "Because it's been a while since I got to hold your hand." That got Dean to smile and blush a bit, though he would never admit it, and Sam was happy. He tugged his hands out of Sam's.

"Okay, okay." Dean said and peeled off the gloves, slipping them into his jacket pocket, god forbid he could just throw them away. Sam thought to himself. At least he had downgraded and was only wearing the thin ones rather than those  and  the leather ones on top of it like he used to. "Ready?" Dean asked.

"Ready." Sam replied and Dean started on his task of making the clearing a winter wonderland.

~* ~

** -A Few Hours Later **

They stumbled into their warm cabin still laughing from the events of their epic snowball fight earlier. Unfortunately they had to stop as it was getting much colder as the sun went down and Sam was shivering intensely. Dean got Sam out of his wet clothes, bundled him up in the warm blankets from their bed  on the couch in front of the fireplace. Dean was now trying to start a fire with Sam sniggering  at his attempts.

"Shut up!" Dean said. "I have ice powers not fire powers, give me some credit for trying!" Dean said and Sam laughed. Once Dean finally lit the fire he went back to the couch and wrapped his arm around Sam pulling him close. Sam opened up his blankets welcoming Dean in and sighed in contentment once he was snuggled in close to Dean.

"Jesus Dean you're so warm, how is that even possible?"

"I've always been this way Sam. Besides I'm not warm, you're just freezing." Dean replied. "Hey at least now I can warm you up." He said with a smirk.

"You offering?" Sam asked knowing exactly what that smirk meant.

"That depends." Dean said. "You up for it?" He asked.

"Hell yeah." Sam replied. 

"Then to bed it is." Dean said. "Unless you want to do it right here, on the rug in front of the fire, it's nice and warm. I'll lay you down on the floor spread your legs apart and stretch you out, until I can slide into you, covering you with my body keeping you warm as I fuck you ." Dean whispered sexily. Sam looked at him eyes wide, and nodded frantically once he finished.

"Yes, that, definitely." Sam said, pupils dilated  in arousal and blankets tenting, showing his erection.

"I'll be right back then. You go get on the rug." Dean said and went into the bedroom to get the lube and condoms from his  duffel bag which he had yet to unpack. He came back to a sight that had him instantly hard. Sam was laying down on the rug, jerking himself off  slowly and Dean swore he heard a stifled moan.

"God that is so hot." Dean said  taking off his jacket as he approached Sam. 

"You have way too many clothes on." Sam retorted. Dean stripped off his shirt and hastily pulled off his jeans, then boxers.

"That better?" Dean asked.

"Much." Sam replied looking up and down Dean's body appreciating the view.  "Now the gloves." That Dean was a little more hesitant about but he acquiesced knowing that stretching Sam out would be impossible with them on, also he had just vented before, Sam should be fine. He put his clothes on the couch and then popped open the cap of the lube pouring a generous amount on his fingers before kneeling next to Sam. He rubbed his finger up and down Sam's crack until he sighed and moaned in pleasure from the dual stimulation. "God that feels good." He said. Dean used his other hand to pry Sam's away from his cock.  He leaned down and kissed Sam their tongues tangling together, Dean poured all his love into that kiss because this,  this  was how he knew how to show it. Physical touch, affection, giving the one you love pleasure, knowing you caused that blissed out look on their face, that's how Dean showed his love.

"Right now I only want you to feel me." Dean said and Sam nodded feeling as Dean slid his finger past his rim and further into his ass stimulating him so that he could relax enough to add another.  Soon enough he did and he started scissoring them stretching Sam's ass out. He was being careful because they had only fucked once before this and he knew that Sam  wasn't used to it quite just yet. 

"Mmm...Dean more." Sam demanded.

"Pushy, pushy." Dean said as he slid in another finger and Sam groaned as Dean rubbed over his prostate. "Yeah just like that Sammy. God you look so good like this." He said.

"Dean come on!" Sam said. "I want you  _now_. "

"Well don't blame me for trying to take it slow. I thought that's what you wanted." Dean said fondly.

"Not anymore!" Sam replied.  Dean slid his fingers out of Sam ,  tore open the condom package, rolled the condom onto his dick, and then lubed it up. He grabbed Sam's legs and put them on his shoulders before sliding into Sam slowly. Sam gasped once he pushed the head of his cock past the rim.

"Better?" Dean said once he was fully seated inside Sam.

"Yes, God yes." Sam replied. Dean leaned down, draping his body fully over Sam's like he said he would and started moving. Thrusting his dick in and out of Sam's body, changing angles, trying to find his sweet spot, it wasn't the same as fucking a girl, Dean was learning that, but  it was better because it was Sam. Soon though he felt Sam shudder against him and he knew he found it. He kept that angle, hitting that spot again and again. Sam wasn't the only one succumbing to pleasure. Sam's ass felt so good around Dean's cock, so tight and hot around him.  "Dean..." Sam moaned.

"Sammy...so good." Sam started meeting his thrusts.

"Faster Dean!" Dean sat up unable to thrust quickly draped over Sam's body and  sped up his thrusts considerably.  Sam slid one hand between them, jerking himself off. 

"So close Sammy." Dean felt the all too familiar coiling in his stomach that signal ed  an orgasm was approaching, and he held off the best he could. 

Thankfully Dean was spared the embarrassment of coming before Sam when he felt Sam tense up beneath him, moaning Dean's name, come coating his stomach. Now he didn't hold back and his thrusts became erratic and disjointed, chasing his own pleasure and he came less than a minute after Sam did , Sam's ass clenching around him as they both rode out their orgasms.

After Dean pulled out of Sam and disposed of the condom, he laid down next to Sam on the rug, pulling Sam close to him.

"I love you Dean." Sam said snuggling back against Dean's warmth.

"I love you too Sammy." Dean said after a while, really softly. They both pretended that Sam didn't hear it, but they both knew that he did, loud and clear.

~*~

** -May 2nd 2008 **

It was too late. The clock had just struck midnight. Dean's time was up, the hellhounds would come. Sam had tried everything, and here he was, tears spilling down his cheeks staring at Dean trying to take him in completely, memorize every part of him before he would be gone forever. Dean gave him a little smile and Sam could tell how he was trying to keep himself calm, but he could also see how ice was forming in his hands. Dean wasn't wearing his gloves so that he could fight and his emotions betrayed him. It was too late and now Dean was going to die.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy." Ruby said and then they heard it. The noise that put instead fear and dread into Sam's heart. Hellhounds.

Dean hears it too and he turns around facing the direction where the growling was coming from, Sam following suit. 

"Hellhound." Dean said, his voicing barely masking his fear.

"Where?" Sam asked.

"There." Dean said gesturing to the area right in front of him, but Sam couldn't see anything. "Get ready to run." Dean said  and shoots ice straight at it  then bolting from the room, Sam and Ruby hot on his heels.  They run into another room and close the doors fast in the face of the hellhound.  Dean took  out the bag with  goofer  dust as Sam and Ruby stood against the doors, holding them shut while the hellhound is trying  to get in. Dean ran  over and threw himself down at the floor by the door and frantically started  pouring out the dust. The pounding suddenly stopped  and for a second they all stand  still, but then Dean realizes he has to cover the windows as well  bolts for them  and pours out the dust on the windowsill.

"Give me the knife, maybe I can fight it off." Ruby said  to Sam as Dean is lining the windowsill. Sam looked at her confused.

"What?" He asked.

"Come on!" Ruby exclaims. "That dust won't last forever." Dean finishes with the windowsill and as Sam is about to hand the knife to Ruby he realizes what is wrong.

"Wait!" Dean exclaims. He can't let Lilith get ahold of that knife.

"You  wanna  die?" Lilith said .

"Sam, that's not Ruby. It's not Ruby!" Dean exclaims and then Lilith throws Sam back against a wall, knowing she's been found out. Then before Dean get a blast out she pins him on top of a table. Sam looks quickly from Dean to Lilith, helpless and trapped. 

"How long you been in her?" Dean asked trying to stall for time. Maybe Sammy could fight this somehow with those crazy demon powers, although he doubted it.

"Not long." Lilith replies looking down at her  meatsuit  appreciatively as she speaks in a childish tone so unlike Ruby. "But I like it. It's all grown up and pretty." She looked up at Dean her eyes turning white confirming Dean's suspicions about her being Lilith. 

"And where's Ruby?" Sam asks. Dean would shake his head if he could, typical that Sam would have concern for the demon bitch.

"She was a very bad girl, so I sent her far, far away." Lilith said.

"You know, I should have seen it before... but you all look alike to me." Dean said but Lilith ignored him, making her way closer to Sam.

"Hello, Sam. I've wanted to meet you for a very long time." She said. Sam is ignoring her, staring at Dean. He's helpless anyway he didn't have to look at her. But she grabbed hold of his chin forcing him to face her. Then much to Sam and Dean's horror she kissed Sa m. Their lips sizzled as they were pressed together and Sam shuddered in revulsion. Lilith didn't seem to care.

"Your lips are soft." She said once she pulled away. Then she noticed the ice spreading across the floor and Dean's furious expression.

"Oh look." She simpered. "Puppy is trying to do a trick."

"I wonder how much of a trick you think it is when your face is frozen you bitch!" Dean exclaimed.

"I don't have to answer to puppy chow." Lilith retorted and walks over to the door. Dean knows what she's going to do and looks at Sam scared out his mind tears starting to well in his eyes. This was it, he was dying for real, for good, forever, he was never going to see Sam again. 

"I love you Sammy. " He said . He had to say it, one last time before it was all over.

"I love you too Dean." Sam replied his voice thick with emotion.

"Aw how cute." Lilith said. Then she opened the door breaking the line of goofer dust.

"Sic' him boy!" She exclaimed. The hellhound lunged into the room and grabbed Dean  by his legs and pulled  him down as he screamed. It began to rip him apart as Sam stands against the wall, helpless, scared and panicked.

"No stop!" Sam  screamed. But Lilith didn't listen and the hounds just kept on ripping Dean to shreds.

"Stop it!" Sam screamed louder trying to free himself but it was no use. "No! No stop it! Stop it!" Sam was screaming himself hoarse but he didn't care. 

Blood was pouring out of Dean's chest but he still wasn't dead.

"No!"

"Yes." Lilith said with a smile. She holds up her hand and white light starts to fill the room forcing Sam to close his eyes and look away from the intensity of it. But then he felt Lilith's control of him break and he huddled in a corner,  he knew, he was sure Lilith was going to kill him. Good. Then this whole nightmare could be over, he wouldn't have to face living in a world without Dean. His brother, his best friend, his lover... he was everything and without him Sam was  lost. And it was only at this moment that Sam truly understood why Dean had made his deal, because now Sam wanted nothing more than to do the same for him.

After a few seconds of nothing  happening Sam cautiously opens his eyes and finds Lilith looking at him confused and shocked, the white light gone. He gets up and she holds out her hand.

"Back." She demanded, but nothing happened. Sam bends down and picks up Ruby's knife, if he couldn't bring Dean back then he could have revenge.

"Back!" She exclaimed but once again nothing happened and Sam stalked  closer and closer. 

"I don't think so." He said voice full of hatred  and goes to stab her but he's too late. Lilith knows she has no chance and smoked out of her  meatsuit . Now that his chance at revenge is gone the full scope of his grief really hits Sam and he stumbles over to Dean's body, tears clouding his eyes as he cradles Dean to his chest. He wanted to believe that it was all just some horrible nightmare but that wasn't true.

"No...no...Dean." Sam couldn't take it anymore and it all comes out in a rush, he sobs and sobs, cries echoing through the small room. 

"Dean..." He whimpered.  He could feel the ice beneath him starting to melt, and at the realization that he would never see Dean use his power again, would never kiss him again, touch him, hold him...it was just too much.

~*~

** -A Few Minutes Later **

Pain. There is so much pain Dean can't stand it. There's a hook digging into his shoulder and another digging into his stomach. There were chains wrapped around both his arms and legs keeping him strung up, just waiting. There was thunder and lightening all around and the screams...they were so loud. He struggled against the chains but it was no use. He was stuck. Even though it was useless he knew he had to scream.

"Help! No! Somebody help me!" Dean screamed out his voice joining the thousands of others that were in the pit. "Sam!" He wanted his baby brother more than anything now to come rescue him, but it was too dangerous and he was so glad that at least Sam wasn't here. He struggled some more, trying to freeze the chains so that he could break them. His struggles  attracted a demon.

"Well look who we have here..." The demon drawled. "Dean Winchester all strung up just for me. Don't try your little angel tricks here Dean, they won't work. But if you like ice so much...how about I freeze your heart?" All of a sudden Dean convulsed, his chest felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and that he was so cold, he had never felt cold before much less like this.

"You like that?" The demon asked and Dean spat at him. "Typical. Of course this could all stop, if you would agree to my offer." Dean narrowed his eyes at him, skeptical. "We'll take you off this rack Dean...as long as you put souls on."

"Go...fuck yourself." Dean rasped out. There was no way that he was ever going to do that, not ever. The demon laughed.

"We'll see what you say tomorrow."  The demon gestured for some of the other low-level demons that were lying in wait in the background to come forward.

"Have at him boys." He said. "I'll be back tomorrow."

"Yes Alistair." They said and  Dean's screams echoed throughout the pit for all the demons and angels to hear.


	7. Chapter 7

 

** -September 18th 2008 **

Dean walked with Bobby through the motel trying to find the room Sam was staying at.  Dean couldn't wait to see Sam again. It had been so long, even though it was only four months here...it felt like an eternity there. Constant torture for thirty long years and then something even worse for ten years after. But all of that was worth it to because  Sammy was alive. Even though he knew that by breaking he was weak.

He was scared though. Scared that Sammy did the same thing he did and now would be tortured in hell in his place. Because how else could he have been brought back? Then he found Sammy's room number 207. He knocks on the door and it's opened by a hot chick, not Sammy. She's only in a tank top and underwear and looks at him really confused.

"So where is it?" She asked. Dean looked at Bobby questioningly. He's also confused.

"Where's what?" He asked.

"The pizza... that takes two guys to deliver?" She asks.

"I think we got the wrong room." Dean said. Maybe Sam had just ditched his phone here or something. He thought. But then he sees Sam, he looks focused and determined, different from the Sammy he remembered, but still Sammy.

"Hey is-" Sam starts but then stops dead when he sees Dean.

"Heya Sammy." Dean said quietly, choked up with emotion at finally seeing his brother again. Sam is quiet and Dean steps into the room, he needs to get closer, needs to wrap Sam up in his arms and never let him go. But he knew to be wary and he was right. Sam pulled a knife and lunged at Dean who blocked the attack and Bobby grabbed Sam from behind holding him.

"Who are you?" Sam shouted. Dean was confused.

"Like you didn't do this?" He shouted back.

"It's him." Bobby said to Sam. "I've been through this already, it's  _really_  him." Sam stops struggling staring at Dean in shock.

"What...?" Sam said. Dean moved forward slowly, making sure Sam wasn't going to attack him again.

"I know. I look fantastic, huh?" Dean quipped trying to tamp down his emotion before it explode d  all over , quite literally. Bobby let go of Sam who was on the verge of tears. He steps forward and pulls Dean into a desperate hug. Dean holds Sam tightly, relishing in the feeling of his brother close to him. He thought he would never be able to feel this again. Now he was barely holding back tears himself. But eventually Sam pushes Dean back to stare at him, Dean does the same taking  in the sight of his brother, at this point he doesn't even care that he had been in bed with some chick, it didn't matter, not if he had Sammy back. 

"So are you two like together?" The chick pipes up in the background and they both turn to look at her, but before Dean could say no Sam spoke up.

"Yeah, we are." Dean looked at him surprised, why would Sam  just say that? H e didn't even want to think of what Bobby was thinking.

"Uh... got it. I... I guess. Look, I should probably go." The girl said.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Sorry." Sam said and he waited until the girl got dressed then showed her out.

~*~

** -The Next Day **

Sam's powers were getting stronger everyday but he still didn't have enough control, he kept killing the human that the demon was possessing and he didn't want that. He wanted to save their lives. That's why he was doing this. To save people, originally to save Dean but thankfully that had already been taken care of by something named Castiel. But what was he? That was the question. Then Ruby came into the diner. 

"Getting pretty slick there, Sam. Better all the time." She said. Sam stood up looking at Ruby who was  giving him a heated stare.

"Stop that." He said. "I can't do what we have anymore...not that Dean is back." Ruby rolls her eyes.

"Really Sam?" She rolled her eyes. "You were fucking a demon and you're afraid of getting a little on the side since you're in a relationship...with your own brother." She said.

"I won't do that to Dean." Sam said adamantly.

"Fine whatever." She said a little put-out.

"Now can you tell me what the hell is going on around here?" Sam asked.

"I wish I knew." She replied.

"We were thinking some high level demon pulled Dean out." Sam said. Ruby shook her head.

"No,  no way." Ruby  said. " Sam, human souls don't just walk out of Hell and back into their bodies easy. The sky bleeds, the ground quakes. It's cosmic. No demon can swing that. Not Lilith, not anybody."

"Than what can?" Sam asked. He was worried. Worried that this  _ thing _  that saved Dean would want something from Dean ...like what  Azazel  wanted from him, or worse.

"Nothing I've ever seen before." Ruby said . She goes over to a table by the window and sits down. Sam follows her.

"But right now the million dollar question.  Are you going to tell Dean about what we're doing?" She asked and Sam looked at her confused and Ruby sighed exasperated. "Not us having sex! You know what I mean."

"Oh right." Sam said. " Yeah, I just  gotta  figure out the right way to say it." Ruby looked at him incredulously. "Look, I just need time, okay? That's all." Sam said defensively.

"Sam, he's going to find out, and if it's not from you he's going to be pissed." Ruby said.

"He's going to be pissed anyway. I mean, he's so hardheaded about this psychic stuff he'll just try and stop me. It's not like he doesn't have powers." Sam said bitterly.

"Look. Maybe I'll just take a step back for a while." Ruby said.

"Ruby you-"

"I mean, I'm not exactly in your brother's fan club. But he is your brother and apparently now your lover, I'm not going to come between you."

"I don't know if what I'm doing is right. Hell, I don't even know if I trust you." Sam said.

"Thanks." Ruby said sarcastically looking put-out.

"But what I do know is that I'm saving people. And stopping demons. And that feels good. I want to keep going."

~*~

** -At the Same Time **

Even though Sam said not to, Dean knew that he needed to know what had pulled him out. They had to kill it. If it would burn out Pamela's eyes just for trying to find out who it is, it was something dangerous. That's why him and Bobby were at this warehouse right now, proofing it against every supernatural being  he could ever think of and others that he couldn't even imagine .

"That's a hell of an art project you've got going there." Dean remarked. The walls were covered with symbols.

"Traps and talismans from every faith on the globe. How you  doin ?" Bobby asked.

"Stakes, iron, silver, salt, knife. I mean, we're pretty much set to catch and kill anything I've ever heard of." He was as ready as he could be.

"This is still a bad idea." Bobby said.

"Yeah, Bobby, I heard you the first ten times. What do you say we ring the dinner bell?" Dean asked. Bobby shook his head.

"Not yet. I gotta talk to about something." Bobby said.

"Yeah sure. What is it?" Dean asked.

"This thing you got with Sam. I just wanted to let you know I'm okay with it. Unless either a;  you hurt somebody, including each other, or b;  you do it under my roof. You understand boy?" Bobby said.

"Yes sir." Dean replied. He couldn't believe that Bobby was okay with it. How could anyone be okay with it? It was...it was incest. But it was more than that and Dean knew it. It was Sammy, he would never hurt him, would rather die first and Bobby knew that.

"Then let's do this ritual." Bobby said. He goes over to one of the tables and takes a pinch of powder from a bowl and sprinkles it into a larger bowl which starts to smoke.  He starts to chant in Latin. After he finishes they looked at each other confused, because nothing has happened. After a few minutes of waiting Dean sits on one of the tables swinging his legs looking bored, even though inside he was very wound up.

"You sure you did the ritual right?" Dean asked. Bobby gave him a look. " Sorry. Touchy, touchy, huh?" But then a loud rattling shakes the roof and they look up startled. Then they move fast and grab their guns. "Wishful thinking but maybe it's just the wind." 

The door bursted open and a man walked in. Sparks fly as the  lightbulb  above the man shatter. Dean and Bobby both open fire but it seems to have no effect. As the man gets closer Dean takes Ruby's knife and stabs him in the chest. Once again it has no affect. The man just pulls it out and drops it. Dean backs away quickly, frightened. He had never seen anything that couldn't be killed by Ruby's knife.  Dean knows he has to take drastic measures now. He  rips off a glove and fires the most powerful ice beam he can muster at the man/creature, whatever it was as Bobby sneaks up behind it.

Luckily there is no need for Bobby to have to do anything because Dean's power has worked. The man is encased from the neck down in ice. He is rooted to the floor and can't move at all. 

"This is remarkable." Castiel says to himself looking down at his body, not at all concerned. "I cannot believe your powers have developed so much. "

"Who are you?" Dean asked ignoring what he said.

"I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition." Castiel said.

"Yeah thanks for that." Dean said. 

"We need to talk Dean. Alone."  Castiel said pointedly looking at Bobby.

"No." Dean said. "Whatever you want to say to me you can say it with him here."  Castiel  nodded.

"Fine."

"Now who are you?" Dean asked again.

"Castiel ."

"Yeah I figured that much. I mean  what  are you?"

"I'm an angel of the Lord."

"Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing."

"This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith." Castiel said. "I would show you my wings but I am trapped in this ice you have encased my vessel in ."

"Is that you trying to convince me to let you out?" Dean asked. "Because it isn't going to work." Then Dean thought about what he had said.  "Wait. You're possessing some poor bastard?" Dean asked. 

"He's a devout man, he actually prayed for this."  Castiel  replied and to Dean that made no sense, why would anyone want to be possessed? "I am thankful otherwise I would have no way to communicate with you.  Only certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them, especially with your powers, but  I was wrong."

"Well, I'm not buying what you're selling, so who are you really?" Dean asked, skeptical.  Castiel frowned.

"I told you." He said. Dean stepped forward glaring at him.

"Right. And why would an  angel rescue me from hell?" Dean asked. He wasn't anyone good or special, he didn't deserved to be saved when there were so many others, who were better people than him, who didn't torture souls for ten years.

"Good things do happen Dean."  Castiel  said.

"Not in my experience." Dean replied.

"What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be saved?"  Castiel asked and Dean didn't know what to say, it was like the angel had read his mind. He chose to ignore it.

"Why'd you do it?" Dean asked.

"Because God commanded it. Because he gifted you with these powers and  now we have work for you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking so long! This is entirely my fault. I'm so sorry! Hopefully you'll like this chapter.

 

** ~ * *~ **

** -The Next Day **

Dean was sitting in their room at Bobby's house getting changed for bed. It had been a long day, trying to find other hunters, and researching with little success. Everything was pointing to the fact that angels actually existed which made no sense. Then Sam came in the room.

"Hey man you've been gone all day. What took you so long ?" Dean asked.

"I was  tracking down some hunters, you know how it is. " Sam said nonchalantly.

"Any luck?" Dean asked.

"No." Sam replied pulling off his shirt in one fluid motion. Dean took a second to admire Sam's  body before laying down on the bed.

"Coming to bed soon?" He asked. 

"Yeah." Sam replied. "Just  gotta  brush my teeth and change." Sam heads into the bathroom and Dean stares at the ceiling, thinking about how he's going to bring up the subject what happened with Castiel with Sam. Dean and Bobby had given Sam the gist of what happened before sending him off to go find some hunters but he needed to tell him the whole story. Plus, he was getting worried. His power was growing stronger. He had never been able to completely encase someone in ice like that. A tree was one thing but an extremely powerful being like Castiel? And with only one blast?  It shouldn't be possible, yet it was happening.

Sam returned from the bathroom, changed into sweatpants and slipped into bed alongside Dean. It was nice sharing the same bed again after being apart for so long. Sam leaned forward and gave him a kiss. Dean reciprocated but then pulled away after a bit. Sam looked at him concerned.

"Dean what's wrong?" He asked.

"Nothing Sam it's just..." Dean trailed off. "I've been thinking. About Castiel and what happened. Let's just say hypothetically that angels are real right? Then that means God is real. If God is real, and that's a big  _if_ , why would he even give a crap about me? Why did he..." Dean trailed off again unsure what to say.

"Why did he what Dean?" Sam said, trying to encourage his brother to open up.

"Why did he curse me like this Sam?" Dean asked. Sam looked at Dean confused.

"Hey what do you mean? You're not cursed."

"Yes I am. Castiel said that God has gifted me with this power. Either God has a twisted sense of humor or he's just an ignorant douchebag, because  _this_?  This isn't a gift."

"Okay." Sam said. "I get it. But we can't just ignore the possibility that apparently angels are real and that they seem to want something from you."

"Yeah my power." Dean muttered.

"But if what Castiel is saying is true why would God even give you this power? It doesn't make any sense."

"Exactly!" Dean said. "Which is why I'm calling bullshit."

"Or maybe we just don't know everything Dean." Sam said. "Is there anything else he said?" Dena thought for a little bit.

"Well...he wasn't surprised by my powers. But he said that he was surprised that my powers have developed so quickly. Which is another thing I meant to tell you. I think I'm getting stronger Sam. There's no way I should've been able to encase Castiel, not as powerful as he is. I remember back when we were fighting the demons at that police station they kept breaking out of the ice I trapped them in and Castiel was way more powerful than any run of mill demon."

"I'm not sure if that's good or not." Sam said. 

"Me neither." Dean replied. "I just hope it won't be harder to control."

"If it is, I'll help you don't worry." Sam said.

"Thanks." Dean replied. He hesitated a moment before saying something.  "Sam I know you believe in God and angels and all that stuff, but I don't want you to get your hopes up and then it turns out to be bullshit."

"Don't worry Dean I'll be fine." Sam replied. "But I prayed for you every night you know, when you were...away. I prayed for you to come back somehow, and look here you are, brought back, and supposedly by an angel . My prayers answered, so definitely a good reason to have faith." Dean reached over and ruffled Sammy's hair fondly

"Yeah, yeah." Dean said. Sam thought  that now would be the right time to say it. He had to tell Dean about using his powers before he lost his nerve.

"Dean I-" He started but then Dean cut him off.

"Let's just get some shut-eye now alright? I'm exhausted." Dean said. Sam could see it for what it was, a way to avoid having to express even more emotions than he already had.

"Fine." Sam said. He knew this wouldn't be a good idea anyways, Dean always hated the idea of Sam using his powers . He reached over and flicked off the lamp. Dean curled on his side facing away from Sam. Sam took that invitation and moved over closer to him, spooning him. Dean thankfully didn't protest and Sam just relished the feeling of holding Dean so close to him after four months without him.

~*~

** -Sometime Next Week **

Sam knew that this demon had information he knew it! But he wasn't talking as per usual. He was bound by both ropes and a devil's trap, helpless, but yet still not talking. 

"Where's Lilith?" Sam asked.

"Kiss my ass." The demon retorted his eyes going black. Sam smirks at the comment.

"I'd watch myself if I were you." Sam said.

"Why? Huh? Because you're Sam Winchester, Mr. Big Hero? And yet here you are,  slutting  around with some demon. Real hero." The demon said and Sam sighed internally. He wasn't sleeping with Ruby anymore but nobody seemed to have gotten that memo. 

"Shut your mouth." Sam said.

"Tell me about those months without your brother. About all the things you and this demon bitch  do in the dark." The demon said, trying to rile him up.  He realized how bad of an idea sleeping with Ruby was a little too late , even if her meatsuit  was hot.  It took Dean coming back for him to come to his senses.  But this demon was wrong so wrong. He didn't do that anymore! He was just trying to save people. Ruby looked at Sam seeing the inner turmoil clear on his face.

"Huh? Tell me hero!" The demon goads him and Sam takes the bait. He starts to use his power on the demon, forcing him out of his  meatsuit . He almost loses control, but manages to regain it.  Once the demon's smoke has dissipated Sam goes to the man and puts his fingers on his neck feeling for a pulse.  There actually is one and Sam smiles. He finally did it right. He's saving people  and thankfully not hurting himself in the process.

"How'd it feel?" Ruby asked.

"Good no more headaches." Sam replied as he starts to untie the man from the chair.

"None? That's good." She replied, seeming to be happy with his progress. Then the man starts to wake up and Sam helps him out of the chair.

"Hey, hey. I got you. It's all right." Sam said trying to soothe the man. They start walking together towards the door when it opens, revealing a very angry Dean.

"So... Anything you  wanna  tell me, Sam?" Dean asked, walking forward as he talks.

"Dean, hold on, okay? Just let me-" Sam starts to say but Dean cuts him off.

"You  gonna  say, "let me explain"? You're gonna explain this? How about this? Why don't you start with who she is, and what the hell is she doing here?" Dean asked. He glares at Sam and Sam turns around looking at Ruby for help. She looks perfectly calm.

"It's good to see you again, Dean." Ruby said and Dean looks at her warily.

"Ruby?" He asked, unsure. "Is that Ruby?" He asked Sam. Sam stays silent. "If someone doesn't start talking I will start blasting!" Dean exclaims. But he is caught blindsided as he's pinned against a wall with Ruby's demon powers.

"Ruby! Stop it!" Sam exclaims. She doesn't listen and she keeps a chokehold with her right hand for a few more seconds , but eventually she lets go. Dean stands up properly.

"Well, aren't you  an obedient little bitch? " Dean mocks. She doesn't say anything but it's clear by how she tenses up that she's angry.

"Ruby." Sam said trying to get her attention. She looked over. "Ruby he's hurt." He said indicating the man he was still holding up. She goes over to Sam and takes the man from him ready to leave.

"Where the hell do you think your going?" Dean asked Ruby.

"The ER... unless you want to go another round first." Ruby retorts. Dean doesn't say anything and Ruby leaves with the man.

"Dean." Sam said trying to get his attention but he ignores him and walks out of the building, leaving Sam behind.  Sam had slept with Ruby, had _been_  sleeping with him. He had cheated on Dean, and had used his powers.  H e can't deal with all of this, the betrayal that he feels  but  he doesn't want to hurt Sam, no matter how angry he is at him. 

~*~

** -A Few Hours Later **

Sam is at the motel room reading a book, but not really concentrating on the words because he's worried, scared out of his mind at what's going to happen to him and Dean. He knows that Dean probably hates him now, would probably hate him more if he knew the whole truth. Thankfully he doesn't know that yet but he's worried that telling him would make it even worse. Then Sam hears the Impala pull up outside and his heart starts beating faster. He's nervous. What is Dean going to say to him?

Dean enters the room and doesn't even look at Sam going to his bag and starting to pack.  Sam gets up the moment Dean enters and goes over to him. 

"Dean what are you doing?" He asked. He'd figured Dean yell at him, maybe even hit him, but leave? Was what he had done so bad? Actually yes it was, and Dean didn't even know the whole story. But it was worth it. He was saving people. Who cares how? But Dean did and he was ignoring him.

"What, are you-  are you leaving?" Sam asked. He knows that Dean is but he doesn't want it to be true, after all these months without him now Dean was just going to leave, just like that.

"You don't need me. You and Ruby go fight demons. Clearly that's what you prefer." Dean said stoically, like he didn't care, but he knew that Dean cared, he just had to get through to him somehow. Get him to understand.  Dean grabbed  his bag and started  for the door. Sam stood  in the way so that Dean has to go around him.

"Hold on. Dean, come on, man." Sam said, trying to get him to stay.

"Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human?" Dean asked.

"I'm just exorcising demons." Sam said, trying to justify himself.

"With your mind!" Dean shouted.  "Not to mention, you're  _fucking_   one!"

"Like you can talk!" Sam shouted right back. "You're so hypocritical Dean, you hate the thought of me using my powers but yet, you have powers too. How is that fair?"

"Well you see here's the thing Sam.  First of all, I'm not the one who was fucking a demon. Second of all, I just came back from a little trip back in time with our buddy  Cas and you know what I found out?" Dean said. "I found out that you've had demon blood in you since you were six months old and  _that's _ where you got your powers Sam. Now doesn't that sound just a little bit  _fucked up_  to you?" Dean exclaimed. He didn't know the worst of it. Sam thought. 

"Look, I should have said something."

"Damn right you should've." Dean mutters under his breath.

"Maybe, but Dean, I'm pulling demons out of innocent people.  Isn't that worth it?" Sam asked.

"Use the knife!"

"The knife kills the victim! What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year."

"Well, tell me. If it's so terrific... then why'd you lie about it to me?" Dean asked. "Why because you knew how I'd react to you cheating? If you didn't want to be with me anymore that's fine Sam but going behind my back. With a  _demon_?  That's low.."

"I wasn't going behind your back Dean. I promise. As soon as I knew you were alive, we stopped." Sam ducks his head, looking remorseful. He knew he should have told Dean, he was going to, plenty of times, but something stopped him, whether it being bad timing, or his own fears of how Dean would react. 

"How am I supposed to believe you? When you were hiding from me, when an _angel_ had to tell me where you are and try to get me to stop you from using your powers."  Sam looked up surprised.

"Wait what?"

"Cas said that if I don't stop you, he will. See what that means, Sam? That means that God doesn't want you doing this. So, are you just gonna  stand there and tell me everything is all good?" Dean asked. Sam fidgeted. Dean was right.  He had to stop using his powers, if God didn't want him to do it then obviously it was wrong. But how was saving people wrong? Maybe Dean had been right about God after all.

Dean saw how nervous and dejected Sam really was. He couldn't blame him for trying to save people, even if he was going about it all the wrong ways.  He could blame him (partially) for having sex with a demon. But for now Dean had to help him come back to the right path before the angels blew him out of the water.

"I'm sorry Sam. I know I'm being hard on you. I mean you thought I was dead I understand if you wanted to fuck some chick,  but seriously dude a  _demon_? " Sam wisely kept silent on that issue.  "But anyway-" Dean continued. "-your, uh, your psychic thing, it scares the crap out of me." Sam nodded.

"I know it scares you Dean. But can't you see this from my side? Didn't you realize that when you told me about your powers that they didn't scare the crap out of me? I was feeling the same way you did, worried for you, afraid that your powers would really mess you up, but we got through it, you learned how to control it and now you're fine, for the most part." Sam said.

"I know Sam, I know. I see where you're coming from but man, if I could choose never to use my powers again I would Sammy. I  _would_ , but I know that you won't."

"No you're right Dean." Sam said. Dean looked at him confused.

"Right about what?

"These powers... it's playing with fire. I'm done with them." Sam said. Dean's looked shocked.

"Really?" He asked. "Ruby too?"  Sam nodded. "Well, that's a relief. Thank you." Dean said. He put his bag down and hugged Sam.

"I'm so glad you're listening to me Sammy.  She's bad news. " Sam hugged him back.

"I'm just glad you're not mad at me anymore." Sam said. Dean pulled back from and then kissed him.

"I can never stay mad at you for too long Sammy." Now that I know that  you didn't cheat on me, is what remained unspoken."Not with those puppy dog eyes." Dean  continued  and Sam smiled, his heart heavy with the lies that hung in the air. Dean didn't understand, he needed to use his powers. Once Lilith was dead, he would understand, Dean would know  that he was doing the right thing.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking so long! Ao3 was driving me insane with the spacing issues because i had to go through the entire chapter at least three times to get rid of the worst of the problems. I found something else that hopefully will help! I hope I didn't lose all my readers!

**-November 1st 2008**

Sam was packing up, getting ready to leave. Dean had left a little while ago, presumably to get some air. Sam knew that he made the right choice in lying to Dean. If he reacted this way, after using his powers in a life or death situation he couldn't even imagine how he would react to using his powers in other ways. He hadn't been able to escape from Dean the past week to see Ruby, so it had hurt like hell exorcising Samhain, plus even if he was fully powered up he wasn't strong enough to take on a demon with that much power without causing himself significant pain. But after last night he had slept like the dead for nine hours straight trying to recover, which rarely ever happens, due to the nightmares. Dean hadn't even slept in the same bed as him, making use of the extra queen for once. That's how Sam knew he was truly pissed.

"Tomorrow." Sam heard from behind him and he jumped around, poised to defend himself. It was Uriel.

"November 2nd, it's an anniversary for you." He said.

"What are you doing here?" Sam asked confused. Their job here was done, why was he sticking around?

"It's the day Azazel killed your mother, and 22 years later your girlfriend too. It must be difficult to bear, yet you so brazenly use the power he gave you, even getting intimate with one them. Their profane blood pumping through your veins." Sam knew what he was doing. He knew that being given Azazel's blood was a gross violation of the worst kind, but it had happened. There was nothing he could do and now he was going to use the power he had to do good. The fact that he had to drink more demon blood was just a consequence.

"Excuse me?" Sam said.

"You were told not to use your abilities." Uriel said.

"And what was I supposed to do? That demon would have killed me, and my brother and everyone." Even if he was actually lying to Dean that didn't mean that he really had no choice in using his powers in this situation.

"You were told not to." Uriel continued.

"If Samhain had gotten loose in this town –"

"You've been warned, twice now."

"You know? My brother was right about you, you are dicks." God the angels really didn't care about humans at all. Uriel moved closer, almost getting right in Sam's face.

"The only reason you're still alive, Sam Winchester, is because you've been useful. But the moment that ceases to be true, the second you become more trouble than you're worth, one word. One, and I will turn you to dust." Uriel backed off, but kept talking.

"As for your brother, tell him that maybe he should climb off that high horse of his. Ask Dean what he remembers from hell." Then he disappeared. Sam was worried. The angels were really dead set against him. Was he in real danger? Maybe he should stop? But he knew that that would be letting the angels win, and besides what if he ends up in another emergency like yesterday? His powers could save his life, and possibly Dean's.

Then Dean finally returned. When he noticed how freaked Sam looked he momentarily forgot how angry he was and went over to him.

"Sam, are you alright?" He asked.

"Yeah I just- Uriel was here." Dean's eyes narrowed.

"That dick-did he hurt you Sammy?" He asked.

"What? No. I'm fine."

"Then what is it?" Dean asked.

"I was just worried. Uriel said that if I use my powers again that he'll kill me. They're angels Dean! How am I supposed to fight them off?" Sam exclaimed. Dean sighed.

"Maybe you shouldn't use your powers again. I mean you promised Sam!" Dean said.

"Dean!" Sam exclaimed outraged, "You weren't there but the knife was knocked out my hand, this was a literal life or death situation! I had no choice. I didn't even want to use my powers, it hurt like hell! And you were no help either."

"Hey!" Dean exclaimed.

"Yeah, you were just standing there watching me hold back Samhain, while bleeding profusely by the way! Instead of grabbing the knife and stabbing him."

"I was freaked okay, and can you blame me?" Dean asked.

"Yes." Sam replied. "I see you use your powers all the time, and yet now you look at me like I'm a freak."

"Sam, I'm sorry that was the wrong word to use, man you're not a freak okay. If you call yourself a freak than I reserve the right to call myself one and I know you hate that." Dean said and Sam sighed.

"Yeah I do Dean. But you're missing the point."

"Which is?" Dean asked.

"Angels are going to kill me!" Sam said. "And you're not always going to be there to protect me Dean."

"Maybe." Dean replied. The angels would only hurt Sam if he used his powers again, was the thought floating through Dean's mind. Would he? Would Sam use his powers again even if not in a life or death situation. Dean didn't like what was happening now. He didn't like doubting Sammy.

Sam had noticed that Dean had gotten lost in his thoughts.

"Hey man, what are you thinking about?" He asked.

"What?" Dean asked, startled. "Nothing."

"Was it hell?" Sam asked.

"What? No!" Dean protested. "Besides I told you I didn't remember anything."

"Doesn't mean you were telling the truth." Sam said. Dean looked offended.

"What now you think I'm lying to you?" Dean asked.

"Well are you?"

"No!" Dean exclaimed.

"Good. Uriel said to ask you what you remembered from hell. I figured he just wanted to hurt me by finding out what you went through down there. I guess he was wrong about you remembering." Sam said. "Now I'm almost done packing, you should get started, I'll load up the car." He took his bags and headed outside. Dean was worried. He had lied to Sam's face about something very important, but this...this was worse than fucking a demon, after everything he had done in hell, he was a monster. He just didn't want Sam to know that. He didn't want Sam to know just how close he had been to becoming a demon.

~*~

**-Three Weeks Later**

Dean figured that he might as well get it over with. Sam had come clean with his lies, Dean figured it was time for him to do it too. He had already told Sam that he had lied. Sam knew that Dean remembered hell. He had been pressuring him to talk. But Dean couldn't tell him, not then. He couldn't deal with the memories of what had happened in hell when they had other much more pressing things to worry about. Now they had some down time and everything was just creeping up on him. They were parked on the side of the road, just taking a break and having a couple of beers before hitting the road again, thankfully Sam was driving because Dean needed to get drunk, or at the very least tipsy to handle this conversation without letting out ice. He chugged the beer that he held in his hand and reached down into the cooler to get another. That was his third beer in quick succession, Sam of course noticed.

"Dean? Why are you drinking so fast?" He asked confused.

"Why do you think?" Dean replied. "I know you heard him."

"Who?" Sam asked confused.

"Alastair. What he said... about how I had promise."

"I heard him." Sam said.

"Aren't you curious?" Dean asked, incredulous that Sam hadn't bugged him already.

"Dean, I'm damn curious. But you're not talking about Hell, and I'm not pushing." Sam said. Dean almost didn't know what to say to that. It was so genuinely nice, and just so Sam. But he knew that he needed to start talking, or he may never get the nerve to do so again.

"It wasn't four months, you know." Dean started.

"What?" Sam asked, confused.

"It was four months up here, but down there... I don't know. Time's different. It was more like 40 years." Dean said. Sam's eyes widened in shock. He turned away unable to look Dean in the eye.

"My god."

"They, uh... They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you... Until there was nothing left. And then, suddenly... I would be whole again... like magic... just so they could start in all over." Dean said, voice thick with emotion. Ice was starting to appear, going through his gloves, spreading across the hood of the impala, and across the gravel on the road.

"And Alastair... at the end of every day... every one... he would come over. And he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack... if I put souls on... if I started the torturing. And every day, I told him to stick it where the sun shines." This was it. Once he said it, there was no going back. Sammy would know what he did. How much of a monster he was.

"For 30 years, I told him." Dean started to sob. The single tear that fell out of his eye froze and fell to the ground. "But then I couldn't do it anymore, Sammy. I couldn't." And he was so ashamed, he should have held out. But he didn't and he was a monster because it. His voice hardened.

"And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it, and I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls." More tears escaped his eyes and you could hear them as they shattered on the ice coating the gravel of the road. "The -- the things that I did to them." Dean had to stop talking. He just couldn't anymore. Now Sammy knew, he knew he was a monster.

"Dean... Dean, look, you held out for 30 years. That's longer than anyone would have." Sam said, trying to comfort him. That's Sammy for you. Trying to make Dean feel better, like he deserved any comfort after what he did. He deserved, this pain, and more of it. What he had done to those poor souls, there were no words, and they weren't offered an out like he was. He had turned them into demons. He had almost become one himself. How could anyone want to comfort someone like him?

"How I feel... This... inside me... I wish I couldn't feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing." Dean sobbed out. But he knew he deserved every ounce of pain. Sammy moved closer to him and wrapped him in his arms. Dean was so selfish, too selfish but he gave in to the comfort Sammy was offering and allowed himself to cry into his chest, making sure that his hands were not touching Sammy. He didn't want to hurt him. He would go to hell all over again, just to keep Sammy safe. No matter how much it hurt him. He was a monster, he didn't matter.


	10. Chapter 10

**- December 2008** 

Dean woke up in a hospital bed, alone. He felt horrible, like he had been run over by a truck, or at least that's what it felt like. For a moment he couldn't remember how he had gotten there. But then he did. Cas and Uriel had brought him to torture Alistair.  

He had been right all along. No matter what Sammy said, Dean knew that he was a monster, and he had proved himself right, no matter how much he didn't want to. Now that the angels knew about his powers he couldn't get the drop on them again, one maybe, but two? And he didn't want to test it with Uriel, unlike Cas he seemed...vicious. Dean knew that the angels only asked him to do this because they were certain that he could. They didn't seem the type to half-ass anything. Which of course proved his point yet again. He was a monster, even angels thought so and that had to mean something. 

He had stabbed him, cut him, burned him with holy water, he had poured salt down Alistair's throat, he had been brutal, and merciless. He had learned a lot from his stint in hell and had gotten so creative. He poured a mixture of salt and holy water down Alistair's throat and froze it solid, choking him, burning him, leaving him unable to speak for sometime. It was only because he was a demon that he didn't die.  

To make it even worse, the torture was easy. It was the taunting that was hard. While it helped that he could easily let out his rage and pain, it still hurt. The knowledge that he had been the one to jumpstart the apocalypse, that he had broken the first seal. To know that his father had held out for a hundred years but Dean couldn't handle waiting ten more for Cas to rescue him? It was nearly too much, to the point that when Alistair escaped his bonds, he had almost welcomed the beating.  

Cas had tried to help. But he wasn't worth helping, and besides, Alistair knew nothing. Dean had saw that by then. If he had known he would have killed Cas, not just tried to send him back to heaven. But then Sam arrives and his heart sank. He was using his powers, again, just like he had feared, like he had known. Ever since he had checked Sam's phone, called that number and that bitch Ruby answered, he knew.  

He didn't want to say it. Didn't want to destroy what they had, still wanted to live in denial, but now he couldn't. Not when the evidence was right in front of him. A traitorous part of his mind was rejoicing in what Sam had done. He had killed Alastair! The demon who had tortured him! He had finally gotten justice. But Dean knew that that wasn't worth Sam using his psychic abilities, they were dangerous, and Dean could tell that Sam had changed. He wasn't the same person he once was and Dean was scared, scared that this hold that Ruby had over Sam, whether it was sexual or not, would destroy him. 

Then Castiel entered the room. By the door shockingly, and he sat down on the plastic chair next to Dean's bed. 

"Are you alright?" He asked. Loaded question. 

"No thanks to you." Dean replied. 

"You need to be more careful." Cas said. Dean would have laughed if it wouldn't have hurt so much. What happened wasn't his fault, for once, sure he could've fought back a little harder, but he knew that he would be in almost the same state he was now if he did. 

"You need to manage a damn devil's trap." Dean said. 

"That's not what I mean. Uriel is dead." Cas said and Dean was surprised. Cas was actually worrying about him? 

"Was it the demons?" He asked. 

"It was disobedience. He was working against us." Cas said and Dean wondered why he was surprised, Uriel definitely seemed more vicious than the other angels he had met, though admittedly he hadn't met many. But to be working for the demons, or perhaps even worse, Lucifer? That was low, especially for an angel. 

 Cas looked away, seeming ashamed about Uriel. Dean could tell already that Cas was going to fly away he had to ask him about the first seal before he left, he had to know if he really jumpstarted the apocalypse. He hoped Alistair was lying, but that seemed unlikely.  

"Is it true? Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?" Dean asked, his voice shaky, nervous at what answer he was going to get.  

"Yes." He knew it. "When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to hell and we fought our way to get to you before you-" Dean cut him off. 

"-jump-started the apocalypse." 

"And we were too late." 

"Why didn't you just leave me there then?" Dean asked. They were too late, he had broken the first seal, he couldn't see how the power he held could outweigh that. 

"It's not blame that falls on you, Dean, it's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it." 

"With what? My powers that I can barely control? And what am I supposed to stop? Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean? Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean!" Dean exclaimed. 

"I don't know." Cas said. Dean called bullshit. 

"Bull." 

"I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you." Cas said. How? Dean wondered.  How could they trust him, a monster, with something so big, so important? 

"Well, then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not-I'm not strong enough." Hell had broken him, destroyed him, made him into something that he despised, something that was definitely not up for the job. "I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Dad wanted me to never use my powers and I couldn't. Now God wants me to use my powers but I can't control it. Find someone else to fight. I can't."  

Dean couldn't help but let tears slide down his face, his emotions taking over. All he had done was disappoint people and now it was all catching up to him. But of course he had to keep a calm head, pulling out the IV tube before he could freeze the liquid inside and accepting his gloves that Castiel handed to him. He seemed to figure out what they were for. Cas helps him pulls the gloves on as his hands were still a bit shaky. He touches his arm and suddenly, he feels better, but when he turns to look at him, Castiel was gone. 

~*~ 

**-May 2009**  

It was even worse than Dean had thought. He had assumed that Ruby was just training Sam and she was manipulating him and winning him over to her side. With or without sexual favors Dean didn't know, and at this point...he really didn't want to ask. But it was more than that. She had been feeding him her filthy blood. God knows why Sam even started drinking it in the first place, probably thinking it would make him stronger, and he was right, in one respect. His powers grew like crazy! He had witnessed first-hand Sam killing a very powerful demon with the power of his mind! But in most respects, it had made him weaker, he was ruled by his addiction. The blood gave him the abilities, which is probably why he had to be fed the yellow-eyed demon's blood as a baby. Just the thought of that was repulsive. Dean couldn't imagine Sam letting himself ingest even more of it. But he did, and it had to end. Now that Dean had all the pieces of the puzzle he had been able to put all of it together. This blood was an addiction, a supernatural one yes, but an addiction like any other, only with supernatural side effects, and most likely a horrible withdrawal. But Sam needed to see sense, and the only way that he would do that was if he was clean.  

That is why they had to intervene, it had gone too far. He didn't like lying to Sam but it was for his own good. They had all entered the basement of Bobby's house, both of them ready to put their plan into action. Dean had spoken with Bobby earlier and he knew the plan, making sure that there was enough provisions for the both of them for a couple of days, a couple of cots and most importantly some restraints, as it was very likely that Sam would attack him. He knew that he could hold him off both with his powers and with physical combat but he would prefer not to hurt Sam if he could help it. The withdrawal would hurt enough. 

"Well, thanks for shaking a tail." Bobby said. Dean nodded towards him, letting him know the plan was still in motion. Dean had driven there as fast as he could because Sam believed that Bobby had very big demon problem that he needed them to take care of. 

"Yeah, you got it." Dean replied. Sam opened the door, but doesn't go inside. 

"Go on inside. I wanna show you something." Bobby said, hoping Sam would take the bait. He heads into the panic room, Dean following. Dean goes further inside then Sam, grabbing the cuffs that were on the table holding them casually behind his back as Sam then looked around. Then he turned to Bobby confused, as there was nothing of note in the room. 

"All right. So, uh, what's the big demon problem?" Sam asked. 

"You are." Bobby said, and that was Dean's cue. He snapped one cuff over Sam's wrist before he caught on and then started to lash out as Bobby closed and locked the panic room door. Dean had to tackle Sam to the floor, pinning him down with all his weight in order to subdue him. He had definitely gotten big and strong over the years. The only reason Dean had managed to win that fight was because he had gotten the drop on him.  

"This is for your own good." Dean said as he snapped the other cuff onto the railing of the cot which was thankfully close enough. 

"This isn't funny Dean." Sam hissed. 

"Damn straight it isn't." Dean said getting off of Sam, now that he had been secured for the most part.  

"Dean come on this is crazy! Let me out!" Sam exclaimed. 

"No. Not until you dry out." Dean replied, steadfast. He wasn't budging on this issue. 

"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you. Just uncuff me and open the door." Sam said. 

"You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault. It's not your fault that you lied to me over and over again. I get it now. You couldn't help it." Dean said. As angry as he was at Sam for lying and doing all of this, he understood addiction and toll it takes, especially since Sam had an enabler, Ruby. He couldn't blame him, not entirely, for acting the way he was. 

"I'm not some junkie." Sam said defensively. Dean scoffed. 

"Really? I guess I've just imagined how strung out you've been lately." Dean said sarcastically. 

"You're actually trying to twist this into some kind of ridiculous drug intervention?" Sam asked seemingly in disbelief. 

"If it smells like a duck." Dean said, calling Sam out. 

"Dean, I'm not drinking the demon blood for kicks. I'm getting strong enough to kill Lilith." Sam said trying to reason with him, and while Dean could understand trying to kill that demon bitch, but this? Sam hadn't even realized how low he sunk. 

"Strong?" 

"Yeah." Sam said defensively. 

"This is about as far away from strong as you can get. Try weak. Try desperate. Pathetic." Dean spat. 

"Killing Lilith is what matters. Or are you so busy being self-righteous you forgot about her?" Sam exclaimed. 

"Oh, Lilith's gonna die. Bobby and I will kill her. But not with you." There was no way Sam was getting involved with this, not after everything that had happened. Because if him and Bobby ended up in a bind he would resort to drinking more filthy demon blood and using his powers and that was the last thing that was good for Sam. Even putting aside the fact that it was demon blood, using the powers gave Sam nosebleeds and raging headaches. Also who knew the long-term effects? It's not like they knew anyone going through demon-blood addiction. This could fuck him up for life, if they survived what was coming at him. They were both walking into this blind and Sam just wasn't understanding how serious of an issue this was. 

"You're not serious." Sam said. He was dead serious and Sam could see that on his face. "Okay maybe you are, but can you at least let me out of this?" He asked gesturing to the cuff. "I can't exactly run, we're both locked in here, I won't attack you I promise, but being on the floor like this is killing my back." It made sense, and it didn't look like Sam was lying about attacking him, besides, it wouldn't help, Bobby knew not to open the door until Dean said. 

"Fine, you come at me and you get frozen to the wall." Dean threatened. 

"Deal." Sam said and Dean bent down to unlock his cuff. Sam got up off the floor rubbing his wrist wincing. He sat down on the cot next to Dean. There was silence for a few minutes before Sam spoke up. 

"So what's your plan? You're just gonna sit here with me until I double over in pain or something?" He asked. 

"Yeah pretty much Sam. There isn't much I can do to help you other than well...be here." 

"Why are you even here?" Sam asked. "You could've just locked me in this room and left me alone." 

"True." Dean replied. "But I personally think that's pretty fucked up, you ever seen anybody go through withdrawal?" Dean asked. 

"No." Sam replies shaking his head. 

"Well trust me on this, it ain't pretty and god knows it's probably gonna be even worse because of this shit you've been guzzling. I can't leave you here to suffer alone. It goes against everything I know." Dean said. Sam felt horrible. Dean really cared about him. He knew that logically but he had been so focused on his mission to kill Lilith and how Dean was always in his way but now that he really thought about it Dean was just trying to protect him. Like always. 

"Thanks Dean. You know, we've been fighting a lot lately, and I still think you're wrong, but I still love you and I didn't cheat on you, I swear, no matter what it looks like. I just want you to know that." Sam said and Dean's face heated up but Sam could see the smile on his face he was trying to hide. He knew that Dean had been worried about him sleeping with Ruby no matter how hard he tried to hide it. 

"Thanks Sam. I think you're wrong too, but thanks for saying that, it means a lot." Dean said. Dean was so wrong he just didn't realize it. He wouldn't be able to kill Lilith on his own. Dean didn't realize that Sam's powers were their only chance to kill Lilith! She was the most powerful they had ever encountered but Sam was immune to her powers and he had powers of his own. But he saw where he was coming from and understood why he was doing this. That didn't mean he had to like it and that the craving for the blood was just growing stronger and stronger, like it wanted to claw through his skin. Maybe Dean was right, maybe he was just a junkie. The room starts to blur. His head is pounding and he rubs at his temples trying to get it to feel better. It doesn't work. He gets up and starts walking around the room, Dean's eyes following him. He's breathing hard feeling exhausted and drained all of a sudden, his hands are shaking. The room suddenly gets freezing cold and he shudders. He can see his breath fog up the air. Then he sees the lights flicker. 

"Dean, something's coming!" He exclaimed. Dean looked around confused. Nothing was happening at all. 

"What?" He asked. "I don't see anything..." He sees Sam staring slack-jawed at an area, devoid of anything. He looks scared, hell he looks terrified. Dean realizes that Sam is hallucinating. He gets up to go and try and drag him back to reality when Sam goes flying across the room and onto the cot which Dean had just vacated. He isn't just laying there, he looks like he's being bound like he's on a cross, while in reality, there's nothing holding him. His eyes are roaming around the room, looking more terrified by the second and he's breathing so quickly Dean is afraid that he might hyperventilate. He's struggling hard against his imaginary bonds. Dean has never felt more useless. Sam isn't even recognizing his presence. There was no one there, no force to fight other than Sam's mind and he couldn't do anything for that except just be there, which was nothing because Sam didn't even know he was there. He would keep trying though, he needed to get through to him. 

"Don't. No, no, don't. Don't, don't." Dean heard Sam say panicked. Then he grunted, wincing.  Dean knew that expression, Sam was trying to hold back a scream. He was being tortured. Sam gasped, as some horror was being dealt out to him. 

"No-stop! Stop!" He heard Sam scream. "Alastair-please. Please." Dean's eyes started to water and ice started to spread on the floor. He tamped down on that as much as he could. Sam was getting tortured by Alistair in his own mind and there was  _absolutely nothing_  he could do! He knelt down beside Sam on the cot, by his head. He started stroking his hair and talking, maybe his voice will break through somehow. 

"Sammy, it's not real man, Alistair is dead! You killed him, he can't hurt you now. It isn't real!" Dean started. But it wasn't working and Sam kept on. 

"No. Alastair, please. No, no-" Sam said, then he screamed so loud he knew that Alistair was hurting Sammy real badly, in order for him to scream like that, because Sammy had taken a lot of pain during his life and he had rarely heard him scream like that. Dean wished more than anything that he could take Sammy's place, he had done it already, gone through his stint in hell, he could handle this better than Sammy could. No matter what Sammy had done he didn't deserve this. He knew he was the one putting him through it, but he wouldn't let Sammy become a junkie, or a monster, or both off of that stuff. 

"No. No. God, no! Please! Please, please. God!" Sam yelled. Dean kept up a stream of babble but at this point he had put his head in his hands and he was crying the tears pooling in his hands and freezing together. Ice was spreading across the floor and Dean didn't care, as long as it hurt Sammy he didn't care about his ice. Sammy was  _hurting_ , he was in pain, the very pain Dean had tried to save him from. 

"Stop! Stop!" He was screaming so loud and Dean just wanted to make it stop, make Sammy's pain stop. 

"Sammy, I'm here! It's not real!" He tried shaking him but he wouldn't budge, no matter how much force he used. Then all of a sudden he heard Sam gasp. His head shot up. Did it work? Was Sam finally back to reality? Sam sat up from the bed and Dean got up off the floor and sat next to him. 

"Sam? Are you alright? It wasn't real man, you're okay now." He said while hugging Sam, trying to comfort him. Sam was still breathing hard and...staring at nothing. 

"Sammy I promise you, what you're looking at it isn't real. Come back to me man! You're really scaring me." Dean pleaded with Sam, but he didn't hear him, didn't acknowledge his presence in anyway. 

"I'm losing my mind." Sammy said.  Yes! Sammy was finally starting to break out. 

"Yeah, but it's okay Sammy. You'll be okay, just focus on my voice, I'm real." Dean said, trying to bring Sam back, he broke through once he could do it again. 

"What do you want?" Sammy asked and then Dean knew, he knew that he hadn't done anything at all. Sammy was still stuck. 

"I tried. I did. It didn't pan out that way. Sorry, kid." Kid? Who was Sam hallucinating? 

"Look. They killed Jessica." Sam continued. Dean was so confused, but then again he was only getting one side of the conversation. 

"I know." Sam said. He looked sad and guilty. But sad and guilty beat being tortured by Alistair. 

"I'm sorry. I am. But life doesn't turn out the way you thought when you were fourteen years old. We were never gonna be normal. We were never gonna get away. Grow up." Sam said. Sam was talking to his kid self? Ouch. That didn't sound fun. Sounded like Kid Sam was mad that Sam didn't go and do his lawyering. He knew where he was coming from.  He would kill for Sam to be able to go and live a normal life rather then go through all this crap. 

After a few minutes it seems as if the hallucination is gone, or at least not talking. Sam didn't register Dean's presence but still unconsciously accepted his help as he tried to sit on the floor, he couldn't hold himself up anymore. They sat on the floor next to each other for awhile. Dean had his arm wrapped around Sam, stroking his arm, trying to let him know that he was here with soft touches and soothing words, because clearly the yelling and crying wasn't working. 

It didn't seem to end. Next it Sam was hallucinating Mom, after that Dean had to take a break from comforting Sam as it wasn't helping anyway, it just made him miserable. Everything seemed quiet for now. But it wouldn't be for long, there had to be something he could do, so he called Cas. He had been praying to him on and off throughout this whole ordeal but now he actively concentrated on it. It even got to the point where he was screaming. It didn't matter. Sammy couldn't hear him anyway. After about an hour and a half Cas outside the panic room. 

"Well, it's about time. I've been screaming myself hoarse out here for about an hour and a half now." Dean said. "Let me out." Cas opened the panic room door and Dean stepped out closing the door behind him. 

"What do you want?" Cas asked bluntly. 

"Can you fix him?" Dean asked gesturing to Sam who was sitting there staring at nothing. "Please..." Cas shook his head. 

"It is beyond my power, Sam's body must cleanse the taint from his system. But I am not sure that that is wise." Cas said. 

"Can he do it? Kill Lilith, stop the apocalypse?" Dean asked. Maybe Cas was right, maybe Sam should've been allowed to go after Lilith and stop all this, then the detox. 

"Possibly, yes. But as you know, he'd have to take certain steps." Cas replied. Dean had seen Sam drink demon blood once and that was a sight he never wanted to see again, but he knew what Cas meant. 

"Crank up the hell-blood regimen." Dean said. 

"Consuming the amount of blood it would take to kill Lilith would change your brother forever. Most likely, he would become the next creature that you would feel compelled to kill." Cas said. No. No way, he would never let Sammy turn into a monster. He couldn't do it. Just the thought of being forced to kill Sammy made him nearly want to puke. "There's no reason this would have to come to pass, Dean. We believe it's you, Dean, not your brother." Cas said.  

Dean knew the angels wanted him for his power but how could ice stop the apocalypse? He can't exactly kill demons, sure he could trap them easy but Lilith was another story, even if he could trap her the ice probably wouldn't hold her for long. 

"The only question for us is whether you're willing to accept it." Cas continued. "Because it seemed clear from the beginning that you wanted nothing to do with our plans for you. You need to stand up and accept your role. You are the one who will stop it." 

"If I do this, Sammy doesn't have to?" Dean asked.  He needed to take this on, not Sam. Sammy needed to stay here and recover from the effects of the withdrawal. 'That is, if he survives.' He thought. It didn't matter. Better for him to be here rather than on the front lines trying to stop the apocalypse. 

"If it gives you comfort to see it that way." Cas replied and Dean bristled. 

"God you are a dick these days." Dean said. He really had no choice in the matter. He had to protect Sammy. It was simple as that. "Fine I'm in." 

~*~ 

**- A Few Days Later **

All was quiet, Sam was sleeping and Dean had Bobby let him out for a little bit to get some food, shower, and change his clothes. He only leaves for a few minutes each day. There was food in the panic room but that was for Sam. Then they heard Sam scream and a loud thud. 

Dean immediately went running down the stairs, Bobby not far behind. He was already internally berating himself. He knew that he shouldn't have left him. It wasn't safe for Sam to be on his own now. Dean looks through the window in the door of the panic room. Sam is on the floor, convulsing. He was having a seizure! Dean opens the door just in time to witness Sam getting slammed into the wall by some invisible force. Dean charges in, Bobby right behind getting Sam off the wall and getting him pinned down to the cot. It was no easy task. 

"We're gonna have to tie him down for his own safety." Bobby said while struggling to hold Sam down. Dean was completely focused on holding down Sammy, his mind in another world, guilt and self-deprecation playing in his mind on repeat. He wished so much that he was in Sammy's place. He could take it! Sammy didn't deserve this. 

"Dean? You with me? Dean! Before he has another fit." Bobby exclaimed. Dean snapped out of it. 

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just get it over with." Dean repositioned himself so he could fully hold Sam down while Bobby tied his wrists and ankles to the cot. After a few minutes of Sam struggling against them Dean let go but hovered nearby making sure that his bonds held. They did and then Bobby left closing the panic room door behind him. Dean pulled up a chair and sat beside Sammy's head. After a few minutes Sam calms and realizes that he is chained to the cot. He tries to sit up but he can't. He looked at Dean confusion written all over his expression.  

"We had to. The demon blood was flinging you all over the room." Sam actually seemed to acknowledge what he said. Dean couldn't believe it. Was Sammy actually seeing him now? 

"Sammy. Can you hear me now?" He asked, his hand resting gently on Sam's shoulder trying to get his attention. 

"You know why." Sammy said out loud and Dean's heart broke. Sam was still trapped and Dean had no idea what was happening in his head. 

"Of course." Another pause as Sam listened to whoever was talking to him. 

"Just leave me alone." Did Sammy have to be so vague? It was killing him not knowing. 

"No. You're wrong, Dean." Dean paled. Sammy was hallucinating him? What was he saying? What was going on? 

"Sammy it's not me. I'm right here. The Dean you're seeing isn't real!" Dean said trying to snap him out of it even though he knew it wouldn't work. 

"Stop. Stop it!" Sam exclaimed and Dean had to sit there his mind whirring trying to figure out what he was saying to Sam, or more importantly, what Sam was _thinking_  that he said. He knew that his own perception of himself was wildly different from Sam's. What if the hallucination was hurting him? "Shut up! Just-shut. The hell. Up." 

"Dean no. Don't say I'm a monster, don't say that to me. Don't  _you_  say that to me." Dean couldn't hold back a gasp. Sam thought that he thought that Sam was a monster? 

"Sammy no, I wouldn't never say that. You're not a monster! Please don't listen to him. It's not real!" Dean shouted, but it was no use. There was nothing he could do. Sam said nothing after that but tears streamed down his face and after a few hours he fell into a troubled sleep.  

Dean had never gotten that shower earlier and Sam was tied down now so he wouldn't be hurting himself. He called Bobby who let him out of the panic room and he went upstairs to take a shower. He couldn't believe that Sam thought that he would say something like that to him! He would never call Sam a monster, not ever. He just...he couldn't deal with it. Sam thought so little of himself, or of Dean, he couldn't be sure. 

Sam woke up and the room was empty. There was a chair next to the cot that hadn't been there before, someone had sat with him then. He looked down at the floor and saw water pooling there. It was Dean that had sat with him then, and clearly he had gone through a lot of emotional distress. He was gone now though and Sam was disappointed, he had been experiencing torture of both the emotional and physical kind for days, he just wanted some normal human interaction, was that too much to ask? 

Just as he was thinking that the rope on Sam's left arm untied it self, then the one on the right and the ones on his legs. What was going on? He sits up just in time to see the door to the panic room open, but no one is there. 

"Hello?" He says, trying to see if the person is maybe hiding in the shadows. There's no reply. Sam gets up and slips out the door. 

"Someone here?" He looks around. He can't see anyone. This is his chance! He's gone through so much pain for days and days and now maybe he can get some relief. Maybe he can finally kill Lilith and stop the apocalypse before Dean catches up to him. Then he'll see that he was right all along! 

He leaves quickly before Dean can notice that he was gone but he doesn't see  Castiel  hiding in the shadows closing and locking the panic room door behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry about the spacing issues I try my best but ao3 works against me.


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